My parents are always calling me to come over and fix their computer. I live an hour away, and this is getting annoying. What should I do?
Get an unlisted phone number and only communicate with your parents by e-mail. That way, when their computer doesn't work, they won't be able to ask you to fix it. Also, consider changing your name and living as a hobo. No one ever asks a hobo for tech support.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/03/20050 Comments
okeTwo tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?" The blonde leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/31/20040 Comments
okeNo Nativity Scene in DC:
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity scene in Washington, DC this Christmas.This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason; they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capital. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Submitted by J$, Aired on 12/28/20043 Comments
I want to invite my boss over for dinner, but my wife is a terrible housekeeper. I like a neat, clean house, but her packrat tendencies are so bad that we have to forge a path through the junk. Any suggestions?
Tell your wife that you bought her a diamond tennis bracelet and it's hidden beneath one of the piles. After she cleans the entire house looking for it, say, "Just kidding!" Then note the amusing look on her face and say, "I wish I had a camera! Ha ha!" Then hire a food taster because your odds of getting poisoned will be somewhat higher.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/27/20040 Comments
After saying hello to a coworker in the hall for the first time of the day, how am I to handle seeing him in the hall on successive occasions? Should I say hello again? Should I ignore him?
Try making a dopey face and saying too loudly, "WE'VE GOT TO STOP MEETING LIKE THIS! HA HA HA HA!!!" Eventually, your coworkers will learn to avoid going near you.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/22/20040 Comments
okeBeer's great. Beer's a kick.
I like to drink beer 'til I get sick.
I drink Beer 'til I fall on the floor,
Then I crawl to the fridge and I drink some more.
I try to drink Beer 'til I think I'm dyin'
But I never do so I just keep tryin'.
Maybe one day I'll quit drinking Beer...
...But probably not.
Miller Lite, Bud Light, Coors Light, Heineken
Tell me it's Beer and I'll drink just about anything.
A few cans of Keystone and I lose track of time.
I'd walk a hundred miles for Corona with lime.
I never turn down a Beer when it's offered
'Cause Beer makes ugly girls look like Cindy Crawford.
Orange Juice has Vitamin C, Milk does the body good
But Beer gets you drunk
Now I like liquor, and I like wine.
But my watch says it's Miller Time.
Barley, Hops, and Yeast fermented.
Bring me a beer and I'll be contented.
In a can, or from the tap
Or in a bottle with a cap
Early in the morning or late at night
I never drank a beer that I didn't like.
Beer's great, Beer's a kick.
I like to drink Beer 'til I get sick.
Beer makes you have to go pee.
And Beer nearly cost me my college degree.
They say Beer can give you a gut.
Well so what! They can kiss my butt!
I don't think I'll ever quit drinking beer.
'Cause Beer is great!
Submitted by Joseph, Aired on 12/21/20041 Comments
okeDowsing the suspicion that Life is meaningless is the key to finding true happiness. Find your own personal meaning and you will find Enlightenment.
I just made that up. What do you think?
Submitted by J$, Aired on 12/18/20041 Comments
There is a cute guy working in the cubicle near mine, how can I get him to ask me out?
I personally know the guy that sits next to you, and he says he isn't the least bit interested. But don't feel bad, because it isn't you; it's him not liking your looks and your personality.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/17/20040 Comments
okeQuoting the Mentally Challenged
"I don't want anybody stepping on anybody else's thunder."
"You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!"
"I'm thinking in my brain."
"What is that disease where if someone loses a lot of blood they just die?"
"Clean as a baby's bottom."
"I don't mean to take the steam out of your sails, but..."
"She has not seen one red dime from him."
"I used to be as sharp as a button."
"That'll put the monkey in your court."
"We don't want this project to snowball into a can of worms."
"… up the creek in a hand bag."
"It's best not to open that can of wax."
"Let's pair up into threes."
"I just thought myself into a corner."
"We really need to hang on to our coattails to ride the waves of change."
"That way I can kill two bricks with one stone."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/16/20040 Comments
okeCat's outta the Bag :
J$ secret #412 - Cheerios make a great substitute for crutons on salad.
Submitted by J$, Aired on 12/15/20040 Comments
okeFor the Dilbert Fans out there...
How can I fashion a time machine so I can use it to go back in time and prevent myself from ever building a time machine?
I will give you the answer to that question yesterday.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/14/20040 Comments
okeA man walks into his house with a duck under his arm and says "This is the pig I've been shagging".
His wife says "that's not a pig it's a duck!"
The man says "I was talking to the duck!"
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/13/20041 Comments
okeI got nothin! Please submit jokes if you know any good ones.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/09/20040 Comments
okephilosophy I learned in the military that kinda makes sense:
Worst case scenario I die. And if I die - it doesn't really matter anymore does it. So there is really no reason to be afraid of anything.
Submitted by J$, Aired on 12/08/20043 Comments
okeYour chest is so flat, the walls are getting jealous.
Ha! That one killed in the 7th grade!
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/07/20040 Comments
okeTwo guys are golfing on a course that is right next to a cemetery. After they tee off, one of the golfers notices that there is a funeral procession passing by. So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart. When the funeral is over, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, ''Why did you do that?''
The man replies, "Well we were maried for almost 40 years. It's the least I could do."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/06/20040 Comments
okeA salesman''s car breaks down in the pouring rain outside a farmhouse.
The salesman bangs on the farmhouse door.
The next morning, the farmer''s daughter wakes up to find her father in bed with the salesman. She shoots them both and takes off in the salesman''s car.
She assumes the salesman''s identity and meets all of his quotas.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/05/20040 Comments
okeThere were nine blondes and a brunette hanging of a rope 100 stories high. They had decided that one of them had to get off.
They argued and argued and finally the brunette said ''I'll go.''
The brunette made a touching speech and all the blondes clapped.
Clearly I'm running out of Jokes!
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/04/20040 Comments
okeDid you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer?
It has two bytes and no memory.
Two bytes and no memory, oh man thats funny.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/03/20040 Comments
okeMy wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.
Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me never to wear her clothes again.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/02/20040 Comments
okeYo mama is so poor, she strips at Chuckie Cheese for tokens.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/01/20040 Comments
okePink Floyd - Time
Ticking away the moments that make up the dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find that ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun
And you run and run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or a half page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in a quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone the song is over, thought i'd something more to say
Submitted by J$, Aired on 11/30/20042 Comments
okeA guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.
This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/29/20040 Comments