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quotes:

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Jack Nicholson
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
George Burns
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl that would get really pissed if she heard me say that.
Mitch Hedburg
You cannot outthink someone who isn't thinking.
Albert Einstein
In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.
Homer Simpson
It's better to be pissed off, then pissed on!
Annonymous
He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was the one making me do it!
Family Guy
Even a fish could stay out of trouble if it kept it's mouth shut!
Annonymous
A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body!
Annonymous
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
Rodney Dangerfield
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson
Is it possible to see something so funny, that it ruins your sense of humor forever?
Eric Cartman
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
Albert Einstein
I just thought of something funny...your mother.
Cheech Marin
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Peter O'Toole.
Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?
H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927
All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
Charlie Chaplin
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
Mel Brooks
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Joe E Lewis
I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
Pablo Picasso
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
Dennis Ritchie
Drinking for an entertainer is like stretching for an athlete.
Mitch Hedberg
There are no good ways to die.
Chick McGee
If you die, and you're in debt, you win.
Ben Creed
If you can't spot the sucker at your table in the first thirty minutes, you are the sucker.
Matt Damon, Rounders
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Colette
You can go along way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Al Capone
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
Steve Martin
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Jim Carrey
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlin
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!
Jimmy Buffet
If you dedicate yourself to learning about your subject for 15 minutes a day, in a year's time you'll be an expert. In five years, you'll be a national expert. The only hard part is choosing your subject.
Albert Einstein
 
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February 25, 2020

of the day history

There are 591 Jokes and counting ... Enjoy!

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oke

A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, "I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang...so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear..."

"But how the heck did you burn the other ear?" The doctor asked.

"How do you think I called you people?"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/25/2004

0 Comments

oke

I hate my job.

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 09/24/2004

2 Comments

oke

Random Thoughts

When people say, "I’m so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?

In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?

Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/23/2004

0 Comments

oke

Office Space Quote:
"We're not going to some white collar resort prison. No, no, no! We're going to Federal POUND ME IN THE ASS prison!"

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 09/22/2004

0 Comments

oke

A city newspaper reporter is driving in the country, looking for a good human interest story. All of a sudden, a pig with a wooden leg crosses the road in front of him and walks into a nearby farmhouse. The reporter thinks there must be a great story about this pig with a wooden leg. So, the he walks to the farmhouse where the pig went and greets an old farmer sitting on the porch.
"Hello sir. I'm a newspaper reporter and I wonder if you knew anything about that pig with the wooden leg?"
"Well, sure", Says the farmer, "Let me tell you about that pig! One night the farmhouse caught on fire and that pig smelled the smoke. He not only got the family out of the house but ran down the road to fetch the fire department and saved the house and all our lives!"
The reporter is writing all this down furiously.
"That's amazing! But what about that pig's wood..."
"Let me tell you something else about that pig!", interrupted the Farmer. "One day our little Timmy fell into the well. That pig heard him hollerin' and ran up, grabbed the bucket rope with his mouth and pulled little Timmy out of that well!"
The reporter is writing all this down too.
"OK, this is just great, but what about that pigs wooden le..."
"Let me tell you something else about that pig!", interrupted the Farmer again. "Last summer when our Emma was pregnant with her baby, her water broke in the middle of the night. Before the doctor could get over here that pig had already boiled a pot of water, run upstairs, and delivered that baby!"
"OK! OK! Wow! It's a great pig!", said the reporter, "but I was wondering, what happened to that pig's leg?"
"Ain't you been listenin' to what I been sayin‚, boy? That is a GREAT pig. One of a kind, even. You don't eat a pig like that all at once!"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/21/2004

0 Comments

oke

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young woman was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/20/2004

1 Comments

oke

A Polish immigrant goes to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an eye test sothe optician shows him a card with the letters:'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'.
"Can you read this?" the optician asks.
" Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/19/2004

0 Comments

oke

Chameleons can reel in food from a distance as far away as more than two and a half times their body lengths. The action is possible because the reptiles' tongues have powerful "super-contracting" muscles that are unique among back-boned animals, a team of researchers explains in the Journal of Experimental Biology. Another study reports on the exaggerated anatomy of the male Argentine lake duck, whose penis is about the same length as its body. The case is especially intriguing because very few species of birds have penises.

commentInteresting!

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 09/18/2004

0 Comments

oke

OLD VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green." Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. Tom Daschle & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Republican!

submitSubmitted by tiff_25, Aired on 09/17/2004

2 Comments

oke

What's up with all those hurricanes? Huh - tell me that funny man!

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 09/16/2004

0 Comments

oke

A man with a black eye, boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down. He immediately notices that the man next to him also has a black eye and says, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy replies, "It was a tongue twister accident. I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most beautiful large breasts was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh.'...and she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister, too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, Please pour me a cup of coffee honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you crazy bitch!'"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/15/2004

1 Comments

oke

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year-old blonde stepped out. The father said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/14/2004

0 Comments

oke

"Anyone who hasn’t been asleep for the past 6 years knows that quantum gravity in asymptotically anti-de Sitter space has unitary time evolution. Blackholes may form and evaporate in interior, but the overall evolution is unitary and is holographically dual to the evolution in a gauge theory on the boundary."

source: http://golem.ph.utexas.edu/~distler/blog/archives/000404.html

commentDuh!

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/13/2004

3 Comments

oke

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray, "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays.. "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays... "My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself... "Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket!"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/12/2004

0 Comments

oke

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I AM NAPOLEON!"
"How do you know?" asked another inmate.
The first inmate replied, "GOD TOLD ME!"
A voice from another room shouted, "NO, I DID NOT!"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/11/2004

1 Comments

oke

These three cowboys were sitting around a campfire and one said to the other two "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns with my bare hands."
"That's nutting," said the second cowboy. "I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot rattle snake jumped out to bite me and I made a move and grabbed the snake with my bare hands and bit its head off and sucked out the poison and I'm still here today."
The third cowboy didn't say a thing, he just kept on slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/10/2004

0 Comments

oke

Yo ZackDaddy! That new animation up top looks like a new form of masturbation. I'll have to give it a whirl.

commentHe just keeps rubbin and rubbin and...

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 09/09/2004

1 Comments

oke

Two ninety-year-old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. Now, Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him. "Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, "Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you." And with those final words, Sam passes on. At midnight a couple nights later Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe...!!... MOE....!"
"Who is it?" says Moe, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's Sam!"
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me - - Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "And I've got some good news and some bad news."
"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "Is that there IS baseball in heaven."
"Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday!"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/08/2004

1 Comments

oke

Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news, "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/07/2004

0 Comments

oke

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/06/2004

0 Comments

oke

There were three men in a bar. All three were sitting at the bar stool and one got up to use the bathroom. The other two men started talking. One man said, ''So what's new in your life?''
The other responded, ''Well I just found out my son got a promotion. He used to be a janitor at the bank and now he is an executive. On top of that there's someone special in his life. He just bought his new love a brand new Lexus.''
The other man says, ''My son also got a promotion and he has decided to settle down. He bought his new love a new house on the beach.''
The third man comes back from the bathroom. He looked kind of upset so the other two men asked what's eating him. He responded, ''I just found out that my son is gay. The good part is his lover bought him a brand new Lexus and a new house on the beach.''

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/05/2004

0 Comments

oke

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

commentha ha

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/04/2004

0 Comments

oke

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/03/2004

0 Comments

oke

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/02/2004

2 Comments

oke

TRUE Arkansas Story


A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with
him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask
him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police
radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block
away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back
and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets
there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might
come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few
hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and
his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed
with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license.
They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car,
so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the
garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing!

True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 09/01/2004

0 Comments

oke

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/31/2004

1 Comments

oke

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/30/2004

0 Comments

oke

What does D.A.M stand for?

Mothers Against Dyslexia.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/29/2004

0 Comments

oke

One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy, “Hey you look just like me!”
The other man agrees and asks, “Where are you from?”
The first guy answers, “Chicago.”
“Me too!” says the second guy, “What street do you live on?”
“Forty-Ninth Street,” answers the first guy.
“Me too!” says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. “What's your address?”
''951.”
“Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents' names?”
“ John and Cathy,” says the first guy. “Me too!” shouts the second guy. “I wonder if we're related!?”
Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new. “No,” says the first bartender, “just the Smith twins, drunk again.”

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/28/2004

0 Comments

oke

A guy spots an old motorcycle for sale on in front of a house in his neighborhood. The price seemed excellent so he inquired about the bike with its owner. “I do have to ask how you kept it so shiny after all these years…” The owner pulls a jar of petroleum jelly out of the saddle bag and says, “every time it looks like rain, I rub the bike down with a coat of this, buff it off afterwards, and the bike sustains no weather damage.” The owner tosses the jar to the guy and he puts it in is coat pocket. The guy pays the man and leaves on his new treasure.
The guy has a date that evening with his girlfriend. He is to meet her at her parents’ house for dinner. As he arrives at the girls parents house, the girl says, “ now we have a rule that the first one to speak does the dishes, so keep that in mind.”
They enter the house, no one says a word. They sit down to eat, no one says a word. The guy is looking all around- dirty dishes everywhere. Stacked up on the counter, on the floor by the sink, in the sink on the microwave, everywhere.
They finish dinner and sit in front of the television. Still, no one talks. The guy starts feeling naughty, so he starts undressing his girlfriend, and has his way with her- RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER PARENTS! No one says a word. So he does the same with his girlfriends’ mother. No one says a thing.
As he zips up his pants, he hears a rumble of thunder. He jaunts over to his jacket and pulls the petroleum jelly out of his pocket. The father jumps up and shouts, “The HELL with that, Ma, Where’s the dish soap?”

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/27/2004

0 Comments

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