Baby Gangster

"funny how?"

Fat Tuesday Edition
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quotes:

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Jack Nicholson
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
George Burns
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl that would get really pissed if she heard me say that.
Mitch Hedburg
You cannot outthink someone who isn't thinking.
Albert Einstein
In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.
Homer Simpson
It's better to be pissed off, then pissed on!
Annonymous
He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was the one making me do it!
Family Guy
Even a fish could stay out of trouble if it kept it's mouth shut!
Annonymous
A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body!
Annonymous
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
Rodney Dangerfield
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson
Is it possible to see something so funny, that it ruins your sense of humor forever?
Eric Cartman
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
Albert Einstein
I just thought of something funny...your mother.
Cheech Marin
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Peter O'Toole.
Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?
H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927
All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
Charlie Chaplin
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
Mel Brooks
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Joe E Lewis
I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
Pablo Picasso
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
Dennis Ritchie
Drinking for an entertainer is like stretching for an athlete.
Mitch Hedberg
There are no good ways to die.
Chick McGee
If you die, and you're in debt, you win.
Ben Creed
If you can't spot the sucker at your table in the first thirty minutes, you are the sucker.
Matt Damon, Rounders
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Colette
You can go along way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Al Capone
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
Steve Martin
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Jim Carrey
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlin
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!
Jimmy Buffet
If you dedicate yourself to learning about your subject for 15 minutes a day, in a year's time you'll be an expert. In five years, you'll be a national expert. The only hard part is choosing your subject.
Albert Einstein
 
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August 11, 2020

of the day history

There are 591 Jokes and counting ... Enjoy!

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oke

SUNBURN TREATMENT

A man fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun
and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken
to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was
very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his
legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings
of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the nurse
inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" The doctor replied,
"It will keep the sheet off of his legs."

submitSubmitted by Lakira76, Aired on 07/25/2004

0 Comments

oke

You can't laugh away syphilis!

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/22/2004

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oke

FRANCE “Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that?”

GERMANY “Is this bratwurst kosher?”

KOREA “Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?”

CHINA “This wall isn’t so great.”

ENGLAND “Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?”

YEMEN “Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country.”

ETHIOPIA “After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son!”

CANADA “You’re like Americans without money.”

MEXICO “What's that smell?”

SAUDI ARABIA “Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?”

RUSSIA “Is it always this cold and economically devastated?”

AFGHANISTAN “Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”

JAPAN “What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”

AMERICA “Was John Wayne gay?”

commentWhat not to ask in Foreign Lands!

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/21/2004

0 Comments

oke

A man storms into a bar and sits down at a table and starts swearing furiously. "Whats wrong?" asks the bartender. "Man, lawyers are assbags!" says the man. Suddenly a man in the back stands up and says "Hey, I take offense to that!" The man asks "What, are you a lawyer?" and the man in the back responds "No, im an assbag!"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/20/2004

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oke

Q. What do all stupid hillbillies say right before they die?
A. Hey yall watch this!

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/19/2004

2 Comments

oke

Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from prison? The newspaper reported that there's a small, medium, at large.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/18/2004

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oke

A guy reads an add in the paper that reads: "Talking dog for sale - $20". Intrigued, he goes to the address in the add to check it out. When he arrives, he asks about the dog and the owner just points to the bedroom and says "he's in there".

The man walks into the bedroom and finds the dog sitting on the bed watching TV with a remote in one hand and a beer in the other. The man asks the dog, "so I understand you can talk, what are you doing here?"

"Well" the dog replies "I traveled all through Europe on tour with a traveling circus and when I got tired of that, I moved to the U.S. and acted on broadway for a few years, then I joined up with the marines to help out with Desert Storm. After that, there was the whole 911 thing, so I helped out with the rescue efforts there and when that was all over, I decided to move down here to Florida and retire."

The man walks back out to the owner and says "That dog is amazing, why are you selling him for only $20?"

To which the owner replies "Because he's a BIG LIAR!"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/17/2004

0 Comments

oke

Doctor Nick walks into his office to talk to a patient. He looks at the patient and says: “I have good news and bad news. Which would you like?”
“The good news,” the patient says.
“Well, the good news is we’re gonna name a disease after you.”

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/16/2004

0 Comments

oke

A guy goes into a porn shop and buys a Palestinian blow up doll, when he got it home, it blew itself up.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/15/2004

2 Comments

oke

Q - Why does Mike Tyson cry when he's having sex?
A - Pepper Spray will do that to you.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/14/2004

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oke

Q - Why aren't there banjos on Star Trek?
A - Because it's the FUTURE!

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/13/2004

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oke

"I don't know if this is gay, but I have a decorator, and he sleeps over."
- Rich Vos

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/12/2004

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oke

"Science tests Prove: Water is made of two types of gin: Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is made of pure gin, while hydrogin is made of gin and water." -A Canadian Tidbits paper

submitSubmitted by Lakira76, Aired on 07/11/2004

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oke

"You couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass of and you were the one making me do it!"

commentFamily Guy

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/10/2004

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oke

What do you get when you have a green ball in one hand and another green ball in the other hand? ~ Kermit's undivided attention!

submitSubmitted by Lakira76, Aired on 07/09/2004

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oke

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/08/2004

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oke

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/07/2004

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" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/06/2004

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oke

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/05/2004

1 Comments

oke

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/04/2004

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oke

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/03/2004

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oke

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/02/2004

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oke

"Since I started shooting heroin between my toes, I've been able to wear short sleeve shirts again.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/01/2004

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oke

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/30/2004

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oke

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/29/2004

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oke

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/28/2004

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oke

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/27/2004

1 Comments

oke

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/26/2004

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oke

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/25/2004

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oke

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/24/2004

3 Comments

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