okeA man goes to the confessional and begins, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father," says the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth, and began to run away."
"Is that when you swore?" asks the priest again.
"Well, no," says the man. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is that when you swore?" asks the amazed priest.
"No, not yet," the man replies.
"As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear then?" asks the now impatient priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, rolled through a sand trap onto the green, and stopped within six inches of the hole."
The priest sighs. "You missed the putt, didn't you?"
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/03/20060 Comments
okeOn Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
On Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that yes, he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/02/20060 Comments
okeOne year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/01/20060 Comments
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the
course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to
complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do,
however realize the critical importance of being able to accurately
express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases
have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information
can continue in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: this sh__ won't work.
10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD FO: Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Your co-operation will be highly appreciated.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/31/20060 Comments
okeOne winter morning in Iowa a couple was listening to the radio while eating breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
Norman's wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
Norman's wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they were again having breakfast, ! when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."
Then the electric power went off. Norman's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman said .. "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/30/20060 Comments
okeA woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."
GOD BLESS AMERICA
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/27/20060 Comments
okeFROM THE MYSTERIOUS MIND OF COMEDIAN STEPHEN WRIGHT:
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to
I had amnesia once -- maybe twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Roman Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists ... they don't talk about other
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
My weight is perfect for my height .. which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
The speed of time is one second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/26/20060 Comments
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, or change it for the worse.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/24/20060 Comments
okeCOSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I
track my money with?
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/23/20060 Comments
okeRULES FOR TROLLS AND PILLS
WHEREAS, 95 percent of all the e-mail received by critics and columnists is civil, friendly or respectfully constructive;
but WHEREAS, this is the Internet age, and we're all anonymous and can avoid making eye contact forever;
and WHEREAS, there's so much information overload, a little heat and drama on your part may be necessary just to be heard above the din;
and WHEREAS, many of those who fire off potshots are missing out on some of the best techniques for effective snippiness;
THEREFORE let us now post the rules for membership in the Pills of the American Internet Neighborhood Society.
1. Use the strongest language possible. Calling names is always effective, and four-letter words show that you mean business.
2. Having a violent opinion of something doesn't require you to actually try it yourself. After all, plenty of people heatedly object to books they haven't read or movies they haven't seen. Heck, you can imagine perfectly well if something is any good.
3. If it's a positive review that you didn't like, call the reviewer a "fanboy." Do not entertain the notion that the product, service, show, movie, book or restaurant might, in fact, be good. Instead, assume that the reviewer has received payment from the reviewee. Work in the word "shill" if possible.
4. If it's a negative review, call the reviewer a "basher" and describe the review as a "hatchet job." Accuse him of being paid off by the reviewee's *rival*.
5. If it's a mixed review, ignore the passages that balance the argument. Pretend that the entire review is all positive or all negative. Refer to it either as a "rave" or a "slam."
6. If you find a sentence early in the article that rubs you the wrong way, you are by no means obligated to finish reading. Stop right where you are--express your anger while it's still good and hot! What are the odds that the writer is going to say anything else relevant to your point later in the piece, anyway?
7. If the writer responds to your e-mail with evidence that you're wrong (for example, by citing a paragraph that you overlooked), disappear without responding. This is the anonymous Internet; slipping away without consequence or civility is your privilege.
8. Trolling is making a deliberately inflammatory remark, one that you know perfectly well is baloney, just to get a rise out of other people. Trolling is an art. Trolling works just fine for an audience of one (say, a journalist), but of course the real fun is trolling on public bulletin boards where you can get dozens of people screaming at you simultaneously. Comments on religion, politics or Mac-vs.-Windows are always good bets. The talented troll sits back to enjoy the fireworks with a smirk, and never, ever responds to the responses.
9. Don't let generalities slip by. Don't tolerate simplifications for the sake of a non-technical audience. Ignore conditional words like "generally," "usually" and "most." If you read a sentence that says, for example, "The VisionPhone is among the first consumer videophones," cite the reviewer's ignorance and laziness for failing to mention the prototype developed by AT&T for the 1964 World's Fair. Send copies of your note to the publication's publisher and, if possible, its advertisers.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/20/20060 Comments
okeA woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
"A can of peaches," she replied.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied "six".
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge, figuring he was going to make a speech pleading for leniency, figured he pretty much had to let him speak. "Go ahead, sir," he said.
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/19/20060 Comments
okeA drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass
gong and a mallet.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and
stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
"You asshole...it's three-fifteen in the morning!"
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/18/20060 Comments
oke1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a good job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and doesn't lie.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.
5. Its very, very important that these four women don't ever find out about each other.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/17/20061 Comments
okeAn American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said...
"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
Submitted by chettyboy7, Aired on 01/13/20060 Comments
okeOne day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."
A little ticked off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it.
When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks one of them.
When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy.
His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"
Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat.
The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/09/20060 Comments
oke"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/06/20060 Comments
okeYou might think that the various parts of your body are all on the same team. Not true. Your back, for example, hates your guts.
The way you can tell that your back is evil is that it never warns you when itís about to give you a painful, life-altering sprain that will make you envy the dead and Ė most of all Ė the dead people with good backs.
Your back accumulates and stores slight injustices in the same way a camelís hump stores water, or figs, or puss, or whatever the hell is in there. Then your treacherous back watches and waits for the right opportunity to strike.
If you have ever had a severe back sprain, you can answer the following quiz with no problem. Which activity is most likely to result in the worst back pain of your life?
A. Skiing to outrace an avalanche
B. Lifting a car to save a baby
C. Kickboxing competition
D. Bending over to pick up a piece of Pringlesô you spit out while laughing at your own joke
The last thing that your back wants is for you to have an excellent story to mitigate some of your discomfort. Your back will not be happy until you are not only painfully debilitated but also a pathetic bore in the eyes of others.
Other Person: "So, howíd you end up in the full body cast?"
You: "Well, itís a funny story. I was tying my shoe."
- Scott Adams
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/04/20060 Comments
okeThings you can do with absolutely nothing...
Push your eyes for interesting light show:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things - is your subconscious trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV? Or for that matter, watch TV with your eyes shut doing this?
See how long you can hold your breath:
(Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible.
Try to not think about polar bears:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty good?
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.
Try to swallow your tongue:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There's not much to say about this one. It is possible.
Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.
Get yourself as nauseated as possible:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").
Things you can do with very little:
See what's in your neighbour's trash:
(Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR.
Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining. Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way.
Call up people who write editorials you disagree with:
(Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I'm surprised no one has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I'm pretty sure it doesn't qualify as a prank phone call, too.
Make prank phone calls:
(Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember - vulgarities don't make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get you started off: Call McDonald's, try to make reservations.
Pretend all humans will die except for people in the room with you:
(Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.
Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don't step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and... AHHHHHH!!!!!
Burn things with a magnifying glass:
(Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don't like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.
Things you can do with another person:
Have a water drinking contest:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is fun, you probably won't feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.
Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I have the feeling I'm being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment--does this really work?
Have a "Who is less competitive" competition:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.
Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view:
(Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2' high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It's never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too.
Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can't blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on.
Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck:
(Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/03/20060 Comments
okeA jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport. .... The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area". He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap; then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge gazongas out for dinner; then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about. Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/02/20060 Comments
okeNew Years Resolutions
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.
7. Get in a whole NEW rut!
8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.
9. Don't eat cloned meat.
10. Create loose ends.
11. Get more toys.
12. Get further in debt.
13. Don't believe politicians.
14. Break at least one traffic law.
15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
16. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
17. Associate with even worse business clients.
18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.
19. Wait around for opportunity.
20. Focus on the faults of others.
21. Mope about faults.
22. Never make New Year's resolutions again.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/01/20060 Comments
okeA beautiful young blonde woman was so depressed over her failed Broadway acting career that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, Iím off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. Iíll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe."
"I see," the captain says.
"Plus," she adds, "heís screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/31/20050 Comments
okeA farmer went to town one day. He went to the hardware store and bought an anvil and a bucket. Then he went to the farm store and bought 2 chickens and a goose. As he was about to leave, he was perplexed as to how to carry all his purchases. The farm store owner suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket and put that in one hand, put the goose in your other hand, and a chicken under each arm?" "What a wonderful idea," said the farmer. And off he went.
He hadn't gone far when a beautiful woman approached him and said, "Excuse me, but could you possibly tell me how to get to 1515 Apple Tree Lane?" The farmer said, "I certainly can, but even better, I'm going to my brother's house, who lives at 1516 Apple Tree Lane and I will escort you on the way. And, by the way, if we cut thru that alley over there, we can eliminate a substantial amount of time off our journey."
The beautiful woman said, "But wait! How do I know that if I go into that alley with you, you won't grab me rudely by the arms, throw me roughly against the wall, hike up my skirts and have your way with me?" The farmer said, "Don't be silly. How could I possibly grab you rudely by the arms, throw you roughly against the wall, hike up your skirts and have my way with you when I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose?" And she said, "Well, you could put the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/30/20050 Comments
okeSome Supermodel Insight
"Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone." -Tatjana Patitz
"I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak." -Linda Evangelista
"It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would." -Kate Moss
"When I model I pretty much go blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work." -Paulina Porizkova
"I don't even wake up for less than $10,000 a day." -Linda Evangelista
"If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some crackers." -Carol Alt
"My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'" -Beverly Johnson
"I love the confidence that makeup gives me." -Tyra Banks
"I would rather exercise than read a newspaper." -Kim Alexis
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/29/20050 Comments
okeAn Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked,
"What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is. While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady went up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady passed between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/28/20050 Comments
okeThree ministers were at a function: a Pentecostal, an Anglican and a Methodist.
Drinks were served and there was a choice between wine or grape juice. The Anglican and the Methodist both took a glasses of wine, but the Pentecostal said, "I'd rather commit adultery than pollute myself with alcohol!"
The Methodist quickly placed his wine back on the tray. "I didn't realise there was a third choice," he said.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/27/20050 Comments
oke"I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Claus" - Good inside joke for adults, but - Ah yes - that great Christmas song that teaches kids across the land of what a filthy adulterer Santa really is.
Submitted by J$, Aired on 12/25/20050 Comments
okeDear Santa Letters and the Replies:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
yer Frend, BiLLy
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I
send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do?
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom,
who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me
get you some nice Legos instead.
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set
you up with a Barbie.
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the back door.
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most
of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly
and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the
craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck in
whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE, PLEASE
could I have one?
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your
ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the
boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Submitted by LaKira76, Aired on 12/24/20050 Comments
okeChristmas Italian Style
'Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda my pilla.
When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
When what to my
Wonderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!
Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
Don Santa wuz here,
And he brought all da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.
"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"
Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/23/20050 Comments
okeTo Whom it May Concern:
Mrs. Claus and I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to service the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.
As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few
differences between us, including:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith & Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a RC Cola and peanut patty (or a Moon Pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves reply, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off!"
7. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
8. Bubba Claus refuses to wear the standard issue Santa cap because he says it makes him look like a girly-boy. He has been granted permission to wear a white Stetson with a red band instead, as well as black cowboy boots.
(Member, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/22/20050 Comments
okeIt was Christmas eve and Chick had still not bought anything for his wife for Christmas. So, on his way home, he stopped by a department store. Walking up to the perfume counter, Chick said, "I'm looking for a nice perfume for my wife for Christmas."
The cosmetics clerk said, "Certainly, we have several very fine perfumes." And she proceeded to show him a bottle of "Elegance" at $75 an ounce.
"That's a bit out of my price range," Chick said.
The clerk returned a moment later with another perfume, "Leave Him Wondering" for $20 an ounce.
"That's still quite a lot," he grumbled. "Can't you show me something real cheap?" In response, the clerk handed him a mirror.
Hey, it aint easy finding good christmas jokes, so lay off.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/21/20050 Comments