Baby Gangster

"funny how?"

Fat Tuesday Edition
Click to Listen

Radio Broadcast

quotes:

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Jack Nicholson
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
George Burns
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl that would get really pissed if she heard me say that.
Mitch Hedburg
You cannot outthink someone who isn't thinking.
Albert Einstein
In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.
Homer Simpson
It's better to be pissed off, then pissed on!
Annonymous
He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was the one making me do it!
Family Guy
Even a fish could stay out of trouble if it kept it's mouth shut!
Annonymous
A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body!
Annonymous
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
Rodney Dangerfield
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson
Is it possible to see something so funny, that it ruins your sense of humor forever?
Eric Cartman
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
Albert Einstein
I just thought of something funny...your mother.
Cheech Marin
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Peter O'Toole.
Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?
H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927
All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
Charlie Chaplin
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
Mel Brooks
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Joe E Lewis
I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
Pablo Picasso
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
Dennis Ritchie
Drinking for an entertainer is like stretching for an athlete.
Mitch Hedberg
There are no good ways to die.
Chick McGee
If you die, and you're in debt, you win.
Ben Creed
If you can't spot the sucker at your table in the first thirty minutes, you are the sucker.
Matt Damon, Rounders
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Colette
You can go along way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Al Capone
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
Steve Martin
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Jim Carrey
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlin
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!
Jimmy Buffet
If you dedicate yourself to learning about your subject for 15 minutes a day, in a year's time you'll be an expert. In five years, you'll be a national expert. The only hard part is choosing your subject.
Albert Einstein
 
Paint it Black Let There Be White ö Sign In / Register
February 25, 2020

of the day history

There are 591 Jokes and counting ... Enjoy!

Page: [1][2][3][4][5][6][7][8][9][10][11][12][13][14][15][16][17][18][19][20]

oke

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality. "I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony. "I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/23/2005

0 Comments

oke

Q. Whats black and blue and doesn't like sex?
A. The 14 yr old in my drunk!

submitSubmitted by Ted, Aired on 05/22/2005

3 Comments

oke

Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New Yorks finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was *************
"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry you're Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his ********* fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"
"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."
On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.
"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?" The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/21/2005

0 Comments

oke

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality. "I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony. "I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/20/2005

0 Comments

oke

When I was young, all I wanted was a girl with big boobs. In high school, I dated a girl with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was so emotional that everything was an emergency. She cried all the time, so I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a stable girl, but she was rather boring. She never got excited about anything, so I decided I needed a girl with excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I just couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She had no direction, so I decided to find a girl with ambition. I found an ambitious girl and married her, but she was so ambitious, she divorced me, taking everything I had. Now? All I want is a girl with big boobs!

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/19/2005

0 Comments

oke

Two senior couples were walking along with their wives walking in front of them.
Herb said to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too."
Sam replied, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?"
Herb thought for a second and said, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?"
Sam responded, "How about a rose?"
" Yes, yes, that's it!" cried Herb, then he called ahead to his wife. "Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/18/2005

0 Comments

oke

A programer from Microsoft is fed up with his job, his life, so he quits and moves up to the Northwest Territory. Two weeks go by and while thinking how happy he is with his new life in the Canadian Wilderness, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door to find a huge lumberjack who extends his hand and says "I'm your neighbor Butch. I live about a mile north across the stream. I am having a party tonight and I would like to invite you."

The guy says, "Hi Butch, my name is Bill, nice to meet you. I would love to come to your party tonight."

Butch: "Great, but I have to warn you, there is going to be some drinking. And there is going to be some sex. And there may be some fighting."

Bill: "That's great Butch. I like my beer." I've been up here two weeks so the sex sounds good. And I get along great with everyone."

Butch: "Great then. I'll see you tonight."

As Butch begins to walk away Bill yells, "Hey Butch, what should I wear?"

Butch replies, "Don't matter, just gonna be me and you."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/17/2005

0 Comments

oke

An 8 year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard, and asked him, "Grandpa, what is sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her,"Why do you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/16/2005

1 Comments

oke

A teacher asked her 6th grade class, "What do you want out of life"?

A little girl in the back raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life are four animals."

The teacher asked, "Really? And what four animals would that be?"

The little girl replied, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in my garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

commentI only like the last line of this joke!

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/13/2005

0 Comments

oke

A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile. The crocodile told him, "Please let me go. I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man said, "Okay. I wish my balls could touch the ground."

So the crocodile bit his legs off.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/12/2005

2 Comments

oke

Drummer walks up the his bass player's house. The bass player's girlfriend answers the door wearing a slinky nightgown. She says the bass player had to run some errands but would be back soon. "You can come in and wait for him if you want."
The drummer says, "I'll give you $100 if you show me one of your breasts."
She agrees and shows him what he wants. He hands her $100 .
Then the drummer says, "I'll give you ANOTHER $100 if you show me both of your breasts." She agrees and shows him both of them. And he gives her another $100. After an hour, the drummer says, "I can't wait anymore, and I have things to do." He gets up to leave and tells the bass player's girlfriend "When Frank gets home, tell him I dropped off the $200 that I owed him!"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/11/2005

1 Comments

oke

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you.
The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you.
The next day I stopped eating red meat.
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you.
The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you.
This morning I stopped reading.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/10/2005

0 Comments

oke

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Employee.

Tsquare pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said, Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, What can your cat do?"

The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, went potty on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/09/2005

1 Comments

oke

A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, "God, what is a million years to you?"

God replies, "My son, a million years to you is like a second to me."

The man asks, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"God replies, "My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me."

The man asks, "So God, can I have a million dollars?"

And God replies, "In a second."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/08/2005

0 Comments

oke

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills.

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ****** me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge #3-- I crapped myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Can't
feel my lips anymore.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about
Judge
#3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili?

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/07/2005

0 Comments

oke

Rules That Guys Wished Girls Knew

1) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2) Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.

3) Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4) Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present!

5) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6) Sometimes he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

7) Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.

8) Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

9) Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

10) Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11) Shopping is not a sport.

12) Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13) You have enough clothes.

14) You have too many shoes.

15) Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

16) Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad's way past idiot.

17) Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

18) No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19) ******* standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

20) Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be
any good at choosing which pair out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

22) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

23) Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

24) Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25) CHECK YOUR OIL!

26) Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

27) Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

28) It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

29) Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

30) If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

31) If something we said can be interpreted makes you sad and angry, we meant
the other one.

32) Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty
you are?

33) Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

34) You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - but not both.

35) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

36) Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

37) Women wearing Wonder-bras and low-cut blouses, lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

38) Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

39) Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

40) The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we
were going out.

submitSubmitted by Joseph, Aired on 05/06/2005

0 Comments

oke

Q. Why did the girl fall off the swing?

A. She had no arms.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/05/2005

0 Comments

oke

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:

You're a Siamese Twin.

Your brother--attached at your shoulder--is gay.

You're not!

He has a date coming over tonight.

You only have one bottom.

commentOuch!

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/04/2005

0 Comments

oke

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. " I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 04/22/2005

0 Comments

oke

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my little brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you'd be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one!!!"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 04/21/2005

0 Comments

oke

Sometimes my brain ties together things that are better left alone. Here are three things I've thought about recently:

* Microchip designers often embed microscopic messages on the surface of the chip as a way of signing their work.
* DNA has a lot of "junk" parts that don't seem to have any function.
* A lot of people think evolution is obviously "designed" by someone.

I wonder if any cryptographers have looked at that junk DNA to see if it's a message from the designer. I'm guessing that it's a code that says something like, "I am Kaloopah, from the star system Nebulon IV. I have sent this evolution program into space as my eighth grade science project."

I imagine that a few thousand years from now, when scientists have learned to manipulate DNA, we'll be launching evolution programs into the cosmos, programmed to seek any planet that has the right environment. The rocket will land and spill its primordial goo, programmed with evolutionary preferences such as gender, eyeballs, limbs, mobility, and the urge to sit in cubicles while complaining about coworkers.

Evolution on that new planet would be programmed to develop over a few billion years to resemble us, obviously, because we're spectacularly vain, so we'd write the DNA program to turn out that way. There'd be no point in going to all that trouble just to create the Giant Chipmunk Planet.

This doesn't answer the question of who created the original aliens. But I suspect that the only way time can be infinite is if the past connects to the future like some huge Mobius strip-wormhole kind of deal. All you need to make this hypothetical system work is people like us who evolve and create new planets, who in turn evolve and create more new planets, until time loops back to our past and we get created again. In other words, we'd HAVE to evolve to the point where we could create a new planet or else we wouldn't exist in the present. Freaky, huh?

comment- Scott Adams

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 04/20/2005

0 Comments

oke

A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.

If only men would listen....

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 04/19/2005

0 Comments

oke

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist.”

At that point, the proctologist fainted!

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 04/18/2005

1 Comments

oke

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. Number one, you have to be single and number two, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," asks the nun, “Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun replies, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 04/17/2005

0 Comments

oke

Actual Exam Question and Answer:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Teacher: "Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:"

Answer: "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state: that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1.If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2.If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"!!!

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 04/16/2005

1 Comments

oke

Only in America...

...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 04/15/2005

0 Comments

oke

Two Cows are standing in a field

The first cow says "moo"

The Second cows says "You *******, I was gonna say that!"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 04/14/2005

0 Comments

oke

I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the
word "service." "The act of doing things for other people." Then I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City/County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.
SHAZAM!
It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us!

submitSubmitted by Lakira76, Aired on 04/13/2005

0 Comments

oke

A physiatrist is interviewing three patients to see if they can be released from the hospital. He tells them he is going to ask them all 1 easy question. What is 8 times 5?

The first patient says "139", the doctor just shakes his head.

He turns to the second patient who replies "Wednesday!". The doctor frowns.

He turns to the third patient who gleefully says, "that's easy, 40!" The doctor goes to his desk to begin filling out the third patients release papers.

The first patient whispers to the third, "How did you figure that one out?"

"It was simple" replies the third patient, "I simply divided 139 by Wednesday!"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 04/12/2005

0 Comments

oke

You Know You're In Trouble When...

...Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

...Your suggestion box starts ticking.

...Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

...The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

...People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

...You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.

...The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

...You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 04/11/2005

0 Comments

Page: [1][2][3][4][5][6][7][8][9][10][11][12][13][14][15][16][17][18][19][20]