"funny how?"
Hump Wednesday Edition
quotes:
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.Jack Nicholson
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.Billy Crystal
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.Steve Martin
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.George Burns
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl that would get really pissed if she heard me say that.Mitch Hedburg
You cannot outthink someone who isn't thinking.Albert Einstein
In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.Homer Simpson
It's better to be pissed off, then pissed on!Annonymous
He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was the one making me do it!Family Guy
Even a fish could stay out of trouble if it kept it's mouth shut!Annonymous
A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body!Annonymous
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!Rodney Dangerfield
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.Hunter S. Thompson
Is it possible to see something so funny, that it ruins your sense of humor forever?Eric Cartman
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.Will Rogers
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.Albert Einstein
I just thought of something funny...your mother.Cheech Marin
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.Peter O'Toole.
Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927
All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.Charlie Chaplin
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.Mel Brooks
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.Joe E Lewis
I can resist everything except temptation.Oscar Wilde
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.Pablo Picasso
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.Dennis Ritchie
Drinking for an entertainer is like stretching for an athlete.Mitch Hedberg
There are no good ways to die.Chick McGee
If you die, and you're in debt, you win.Ben Creed
If you can't spot the sucker at your table in the first thirty minutes, you are the sucker.Matt Damon, Rounders
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.Colette
You can go along way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.Al Capone
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.Mel Brooks
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.Dave Edison
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.Steve Martin
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.Jim Carrey
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.George Carlin
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!Jimmy Buffet
If you dedicate yourself to learning about your subject for 15 minutes a day, in a year's time you'll be an expert. In five years, you'll be a national expert. The only hard part is choosing your subject.Albert Einstein
oke
WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARYTwo weeks ago was my 45th birthday. I sat down for breakfast with my family, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday!" and probably have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone happy birthday. I thought, well, that's just great, maybe the children will remember.
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss, happy birthday!" And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day . Let's go!"
We went to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment"
After arriving at her apartment, she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about five minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake followed by my wife, my children and a dozen of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there.
On the couch.
Naked.
Chicken says "Buk!"