Baby Gangster

"funny how?"

Happy Friday Edition
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quotes:

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Jack Nicholson
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
George Burns
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl that would get really pissed if she heard me say that.
Mitch Hedburg
You cannot outthink someone who isn't thinking.
Albert Einstein
In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.
Homer Simpson
It's better to be pissed off, then pissed on!
Annonymous
He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was the one making me do it!
Family Guy
Even a fish could stay out of trouble if it kept it's mouth shut!
Annonymous
A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body!
Annonymous
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
Rodney Dangerfield
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson
Is it possible to see something so funny, that it ruins your sense of humor forever?
Eric Cartman
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
Albert Einstein
I just thought of something funny...your mother.
Cheech Marin
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Peter O'Toole.
Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?
H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927
All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
Charlie Chaplin
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
Mel Brooks
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Joe E Lewis
I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
Pablo Picasso
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
Dennis Ritchie
Drinking for an entertainer is like stretching for an athlete.
Mitch Hedberg
There are no good ways to die.
Chick McGee
If you die, and you're in debt, you win.
Ben Creed
If you can't spot the sucker at your table in the first thirty minutes, you are the sucker.
Matt Damon, Rounders
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Colette
You can go along way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Al Capone
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
Steve Martin
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Jim Carrey
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlin
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!
Jimmy Buffet
If you dedicate yourself to learning about your subject for 15 minutes a day, in a year's time you'll be an expert. In five years, you'll be a national expert. The only hard part is choosing your subject.
Albert Einstein
 
Paint it Black Let There Be White ö Sign In / Register
March 29, 2024

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oke

Men and Women
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never
figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I
am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
What every boyfriend/husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not
in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your
physical needs as a man."

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The
very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We
went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a
big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment
her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the
jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave
short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked
for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I
threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing
sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, Let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
"WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while..
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why
can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either.

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 02/10/2005

"cricket cricket"

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