Paint it Black
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April 03, 2025
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FRANCE “Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that?” |
A man storms into a bar and sits down at a table and starts swearing furiously. "Whats wrong?" asks the bartender. "Man, lawyers are assbags!" says the man. Suddenly a man in the back stands up and says "Hey, I take offense to that!" The man asks "What, are you a lawyer?" and the man in the back responds "No, im an assbag!" |
Q. What do all stupid hillbillies say right before they die? |
Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from prison? The newspaper reported that there's a small, medium, at large. |
A guy reads an add in the paper that reads: "Talking dog for sale - $20". Intrigued, he goes to the address in the add to check it out. When he arrives, he asks about the dog and the owner just points to the bedroom and says "he's in there". |
Doctor Nick walks into his office to talk to a patient. He looks at the patient and says: “I have good news and bad news. Which would you like?” |
A guy goes into a porn shop and buys a Palestinian blow up doll, when he got it home, it blew itself up. |
Q - Why does Mike Tyson cry when he's having sex? |
Q - Why aren't there banjos on Star Trek? |
"I don't know if this is gay, but I have a decorator, and he sleeps over." |
"Science tests Prove: Water is made of two types of gin: Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is made of pure gin, while hydrogin is made of gin and water." -A Canadian Tidbits paper |
"You couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass of and you were the one making me do it!" |
What do you get when you have a green ball in one hand and another green ball in the other hand? ~ Kermit's undivided attention! |
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. |
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony. |
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President |
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President |
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. |
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP |
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC |
"Since I started shooting heroin between my toes, I've been able to wear short sleeve shirts again. |
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. |
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne |
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery |
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina |
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. |
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President |
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman |
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oke
SUNBURN TREATMENTA man fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun
and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken
to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was
very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his
legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings
of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the nurse
inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" The doctor replied,
"It will keep the sheet off of his legs."
Submitted by Lakira76, Aired on 07/25/2004
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