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"funny how?"

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quotes:

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Jack Nicholson
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
George Burns
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl that would get really pissed if she heard me say that.
Mitch Hedburg
You cannot outthink someone who isn't thinking.
Albert Einstein
In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.
Homer Simpson
It's better to be pissed off, then pissed on!
Annonymous
He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was the one making me do it!
Family Guy
Even a fish could stay out of trouble if it kept it's mouth shut!
Annonymous
A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body!
Annonymous
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
Rodney Dangerfield
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson
Is it possible to see something so funny, that it ruins your sense of humor forever?
Eric Cartman
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
Albert Einstein
I just thought of something funny...your mother.
Cheech Marin
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Peter O'Toole.
Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?
H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927
All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
Charlie Chaplin
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
Mel Brooks
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Joe E Lewis
I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
Pablo Picasso
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
Dennis Ritchie
Drinking for an entertainer is like stretching for an athlete.
Mitch Hedberg
There are no good ways to die.
Chick McGee
If you die, and you're in debt, you win.
Ben Creed
If you can't spot the sucker at your table in the first thirty minutes, you are the sucker.
Matt Damon, Rounders
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Colette
You can go along way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Al Capone
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
Steve Martin
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Jim Carrey
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlin
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!
Jimmy Buffet
If you dedicate yourself to learning about your subject for 15 minutes a day, in a year's time you'll be an expert. In five years, you'll be a national expert. The only hard part is choosing your subject.
Albert Einstein
 
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August 11, 2020

of the day history

There are 591 Jokes and counting ... Enjoy!

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oke

Two managers are going over their budget for the next year. After analyzing
expenses and revenues, they come to the conclusion that they will have to
lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane. They go back and forth
but can't decide who to lay off. Finally, one manager decides that they lay
off the first person who gets up form their desk.

In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets a headache. She gets
some aspirin from her desk drawer and gets up from her desk to get some
water. One of the managers gets up to break the bad news to Jane.

Manager: "Jane, I need to talk to you. I've got a problem. I either need to
lay you or Jack off..."

Jane: "Well, jack-off. I've got a headache."

submitSubmitted by Lakira76, Aired on 08/26/2004

1 Comments

oke

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose were to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. " I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/25/2004

1 Comments

oke

What did the blonde say when she woke up underneath a cow? Ok boys, one at a time!

submitSubmitted by Lakira76, Aired on 08/24/2004

1 Comments

oke

A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a man with no family or friends, who died. The funeral was held way back in the country and the young preacher got lost on the way.
When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The workmen were eating lunch. The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place. But, still he preached an impassioned and lengthy service.
Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness.
As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking to another worker: "I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't never seen anything like that before

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/23/2004

0 Comments

oke

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

commentHAHA

submitSubmitted by Lakira76, Aired on 08/20/2004

0 Comments

oke

One day this Preacher decided that he would skip church and go hunting.
When in the woods he came upon a bear. He started running, and he ran for a while until all of a sudden he tripped over a tree root. At this moment he was almost face to face with the bear. He dropped to his knees and said, ''Dear Lord, if there is one wish I would want for you to give me it would be to make this bear a Christian.''

And at that instant…the bear halted to a stop and dropped to his knees and said, ''Dear Lord, thank you for the food I am about to receive!''

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/19/2004

1 Comments

oke

Q: What did the Chinese man name his retarded son?

A: Sum Ting Wong

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/18/2004

4 Comments

oke

A lady dies and goes to heaven, where she meets up with St. Peter to become an angel, when she hears this blood curdling scream. She asks St. Peter what those screams are for. St. Peter replies, " Oh, that's nothing, just a person getting fitted for their wings. They have to drill holes first." So she steps back in line, a bit shaken up, but continues to wait. 10 minutes pass and she hears another blood curdling scream. "Ok, what was that???" "Oh that was nothing, just the same person getting fitted for their halo." "That's it. I am outa here. I'd rather go to hell!" She exclaims. "But wait, you'll be raped and sodomized there!" he says. "That's ok, I already have holes for that!"

submitSubmitted by Lakira76, Aired on 08/17/2004

2 Comments

oke

What do you get when you cross P. Diddy with Kenny G.?

An aneurysm.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/16/2004

0 Comments

oke

3 old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a man comes up to them and flashes them. The first one has a stroke, the second one has a stroke, but the third one couldn't reach that far!

submitSubmitted by Lakira76, Aired on 08/15/2004

0 Comments

oke

Q - What did the bow-legged doe say?
A - Thats the last time I will do that for ten bucks.

commentOh come on, now thats just stupid!

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/14/2004

1 Comments

oke

Dating a fat woman is like riding a moped-It's all fun and games until someone sees you on it!

submitSubmitted by Lakira76, Aired on 08/13/2004

2 Comments

oke

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sham.
Sham who?
I didn't know we were talking about yo mama.

commentOoooh Burn!

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/12/2004

0 Comments

oke

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and were married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was fantastic!

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/11/2004

0 Comments

oke

an irishman walks out of a bar!

commentDamn thats funny!!!

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/10/2004

2 Comments

oke

there once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been friends for a long time. one day the deacon got sick and was put in the hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend.
when he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and medical equipment attached to the deacon. the preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, ''how ya doing?''
the deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand. ''you want that?'' the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. so the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. all of a sudden the deacon died.
at his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service. ''he was a good man and i'll never forget him,'' the preacher said, ''i was with him when he died and as a matter of fact i have his last thought in my coat pocket here.''
the preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. ''please, get up! you're kneeling on my oxygen hose!'

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/09/2004

0 Comments

oke

a mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "mummy, why is my name petal?"

the mother replied, "because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

the next baby walked up and asked, "mummy why is my name rose?" she replied,

"because when you were born, a rose fell on your head." the last baby walked up to her and said, "blas claflas yifrassam tassm poonnfffiinrty."

the mother replied, "please be quiet, fridge."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/08/2004

1 Comments

oke

sherlock holmes and dr. watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. some hours later, holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

watson replies, "i see millions of stars."

"what does that tell you?"

watson ponders for a minute. "astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. astrologically, it tells me that saturn is in leo. timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. theologically, it's evident the lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. what does it tell you?"

holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/07/2004

1 Comments

oke

q: what did one saggy boob say to the other?
a: we better get some support soon or else people are gunna start thinking we are nuts!!

submitSubmitted by Lakira76, Aired on 08/06/2004

3 Comments

oke

q - what sound does it make when a vinegar truck and a water truck collide?
a - "dousche"

commentHa!

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/05/2004

2 Comments

oke

a dry cigarette
two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus. one of them takes
out a cigarette and starts to smoke. a minute later it starts to rain so the
women who is smoking takes out a condom, cut's of the end and carefully
placed it over the cigarette the shield it form the rain. the other lady
looks at that and sais

"thats such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?
"it's a condom." the other lady says
"well where can you buy those?"
"um... most people buy them at pharmacies"

so the lady who was asking all the questions goes to a pharmacie and walks
up to the counter.

"do you guys sell those condom things?" the lady says to the pharmacist "why
yes we do," the pharmacist says a little confused "do you know what size you
need?"

so the lady says "well its got to fit a camel."

submitSubmitted by Lakira76, Aired on 08/04/2004

0 Comments

oke

a guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing 'love' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. he then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

his curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. the man saiys 'i'm sending out 1,000 valentines cards signed, 'guess who?' '

'but why?' asks the man.

'i'm a divorce lawyer,' the man replies.

submitSubmitted by Lakira76, Aired on 08/03/2004

3 Comments

oke

A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day, the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was dejected. The
strongman asked him what he was going to do. Replied the husband, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her caliber.

commentR-D-R-R!

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/02/2004

1 Comments

oke

Is the purpose of the ski boots to get you used to the feel of a cast?

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/01/2004

0 Comments

oke

When midgets get drunk, they get mean!

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/31/2004

0 Comments

oke

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/30/2004

0 Comments

oke

If your dentist is the one telling you you've got a VD, that's not good!

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/29/2004

0 Comments

oke

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/28/2004

0 Comments

oke

The best one I ever heard was the story about the man who walks into a
tavern to find a gorgeous lady sitting at the bar. He sits next to her and
asks her if he can buy her a drink. She faces him and says:

I'll screw anyone anytime anywhere and have no regrets later.

The man says:

"Wow! What law firm do you work for????

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 07/27/2004

0 Comments

oke

The Republican convention attracts roughly the same number of hookers as the Democratic convention, the main difference being the Republican convention tends to attract a higher percentage of Pro-Life hookers.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/26/2004

0 Comments

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