Baby Gangster

"funny how?"

Fat Tuesday Edition
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quotes:

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Jack Nicholson
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
George Burns
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl that would get really pissed if she heard me say that.
Mitch Hedburg
You cannot outthink someone who isn't thinking.
Albert Einstein
In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.
Homer Simpson
It's better to be pissed off, then pissed on!
Annonymous
He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was the one making me do it!
Family Guy
Even a fish could stay out of trouble if it kept it's mouth shut!
Annonymous
A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body!
Annonymous
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
Rodney Dangerfield
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson
Is it possible to see something so funny, that it ruins your sense of humor forever?
Eric Cartman
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
Albert Einstein
I just thought of something funny...your mother.
Cheech Marin
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Peter O'Toole.
Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?
H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927
All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
Charlie Chaplin
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
Mel Brooks
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Joe E Lewis
I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
Pablo Picasso
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
Dennis Ritchie
Drinking for an entertainer is like stretching for an athlete.
Mitch Hedberg
There are no good ways to die.
Chick McGee
If you die, and you're in debt, you win.
Ben Creed
If you can't spot the sucker at your table in the first thirty minutes, you are the sucker.
Matt Damon, Rounders
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Colette
You can go along way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Al Capone
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
Steve Martin
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Jim Carrey
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlin
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!
Jimmy Buffet
If you dedicate yourself to learning about your subject for 15 minutes a day, in a year's time you'll be an expert. In five years, you'll be a national expert. The only hard part is choosing your subject.
Albert Einstein
 
Paint it Black Let There Be White ö Sign In / Register
August 11, 2020

of the day history

There are 591 Jokes and counting ... Enjoy!

Page: [1][2][3][4][5][6][7][8][9][10][11][12][13][14][15][16][17][18][19][20]

oke

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

commentDeep Thoughts by Jack Handy

submitSubmitted by Buck, Aired on 05/24/2004

0 Comments

oke

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

commentDeep thoughts by Jack Handy

submitSubmitted by Buck, Aired on 05/23/2004

0 Comments

oke

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

commentDeep thoughts by Jack Handy

submitSubmitted by Buck, Aired on 05/22/2004

0 Comments

oke

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

commentDeep thoughts by Jack Handy

submitSubmitted by Buck, Aired on 05/21/2004

0 Comments

oke

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.

commentDeep thoughts by Jack Handy

submitSubmitted by Buck, Aired on 05/20/2004

0 Comments

oke

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em
go, because, man, they're gone.

commentDeep thoughts by Jack Handy

submitSubmitted by Buck, Aired on 05/19/2004

0 Comments

oke

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets
its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you
hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire. Deep thoughts by Jack Handy

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 05/18/2004

0 Comments

oke

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or
the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating
it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy
ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys,
let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say,
"Boy, these are good cigars!" Deep thoughts by Jack Handy

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 05/17/2004

0 Comments

oke

"Why can't there be more suffering?"
-George Carlin

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/16/2004

0 Comments

oke

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy,
throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think
how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real
grenade at them. Deep thoughts by Jack Handy

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 05/14/2004

0 Comments

oke

"Perfect Password"
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password.. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when thecomputer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in P..E..N.. I..S. His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

submitSubmitted by Lakira76, Aired on 05/13/2004

0 Comments

oke

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

Deep thoughts by Jack Handy

submitSubmitted by Buck, Aired on 05/12/2004

0 Comments

oke

"Most people are not particularly good at anything."
- George Carlin

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/11/2004

0 Comments

oke

Marge: "You're my rock hommie!"
Homer: "And i'm gonna weigh you down the rest of your life."

commentThe Simpsons

submitSubmitted by jenjenks, Aired on 05/10/2004

0 Comments

oke

Q - How do you get three old ladies to drop the F*Bomb?
A - Have a fourth one yell "BINGO!"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/09/2004

0 Comments

oke

"I've had a laptop for a year now and I've come to realize that it's nothing more than the most expensive DVD player I've ever had."
- Fred Klett

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/08/2004

0 Comments

oke

Zacks Life!

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/07/2004

0 Comments

oke

A man walks into a bar and screams "OUCH! Holy Hell where did that metal bar come from!"

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 05/06/2004

0 Comments

oke

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

submitSubmitted by tiff_25, Aired on 05/05/2004

0 Comments

oke

A polish guy, a priest, a rabbi, and a blonde girl walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "what is this some kind of joke?"

commentNo Comment

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/04/2004

0 Comments

oke

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon



THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder



THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

submitSubmitted by Lakira76, Aired on 01/01/2002

0 Comments

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