okeA blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"
Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"
She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"
She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"
The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You''ve just got a broken index finger."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/03/20050 Comments
okeBubba and Bobby Joe rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. Bubba said to Bobby Joe,
"Mark this here spot so that we can come back right here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the Bubba asked Bobby Joe, "Bobby Joe, did you mark that there spot like ah tole ya?"
His friend replied, "Shore nuff, I put a big ole 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
"You stupid fool! Now, what we gonna do if we don't get that same boat today?!"
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/02/20050 Comments
okeA man walks into a bar sits down and say, "Bartender, got any specials
Bartender says, "Yes, we have mixture of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Smirnoff Vodka."
Man says, "Damn, what the hell is that?"
Bartender says, "Well we call it a 'Pabst Smir'!"
Tiff oughta like this one!
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/01/20050 Comments
okeA young couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at a rattlesnake farm they discovered along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
"Gosh!" exclaimed the young woman. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
"Yes, on rare occasions," answered the handler.
"Well," she continued, "what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?"
"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make cut across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound."
"What, uh...what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman.
"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are."
Good luck with that buddy!
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/31/20050 Comments
okeA grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this:
"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/30/20050 Comments
okeQ. How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, that's a hardware problem.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/29/20050 Comments
okeWanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
Don't talk to my parrot!!
Submitted by Trigger, Aired on 07/28/20050 Comments
okeIt was a terribly hot summer for Humpty Dumpty...
(here it comes)
...but he had a great fall!
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/27/20051 Comments
okeA guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidently said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh and she socked me one."
The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pass the syrup, but it came out: You ruined my life, you crazy bitch."
Ah, the classics!
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/26/20050 Comments
okeQuestion: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This is message is published by an American,
using Bill Gate's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that use Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/25/20050 Comments
oke"But let me tell you, that to approach the stranger
Is to invite the unexpected, release a new force,
Or let the genie out of the bottle.
It is to start a train of events
Beyond your control."
-T. S. Eliot, "The Cocktail Party"
Now Back To Your Wall Mr. Wallflower!
Submitted by J$, Aired on 07/24/20055 Comments
okeAn Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional. But," said the Scotsman,"I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister, twice."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/23/20050 Comments
okeQ. What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
A. Their middle names
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/22/20050 Comments
okeOne day, Jim and Ed were on the job with the Public Works Department. Jim would dig a hole and Ed would follow behind, filling in the hole. Up and down the street they went, block after block, with Jim digging a hole and Ed immediately filling it in. Finally a local resident, after watching Jim and Ed do this in front of her house, asked Jim what was going on. "Oh, I know it looks funny," Jim said, "but you see, the guy who plants the trees called in sick today."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/21/20050 Comments
okeA blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...
One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude. Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/20/20050 Comments
okeTwo guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/19/20050 Comments
okeA man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, began to moan and, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, squealed, then shuddered violently once more. The man became concerned thinking that the Assuming that the woman was becoming seriously ill. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again, wiped her nose and began to shake once again even more than before. With this, the concerned gentlemen rang for the flight attendant and explained that he feared that his fellow passenger was possibly very ill. The pretty young flight attendant approached the woman and asked "Are you OK?
The woman replied "I am sorry if I caused any disruption but I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The gentlemen passenger was astonished and said " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. " Are you taking anything for it?"
"Yes," the woman said . "Pepper."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/18/20050 Comments
oke"After equality, wage parity, [and] liberation...Women still can't do the following: Start barbeque fires; hook up a stereo; shine shoes; anything on a roof; decide where to hang a picture; investigate mysterious house noises at night; kill and dispose of large insects; walk past a mirror without stopping to look."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/15/20050 Comments
okeThe day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident off the coast of San Diego, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to have to tell you this, sir, but we have some information regarding your wife," said one of the officers.
"Well, tell me!" the man pleaded.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the husband said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in thirty feet of water, just off the coast."
"Oh, my God!" said the husband, overcome by emotion. Then remembering what the policeman said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "when we pulled her up, she had five lobsters clinging to her."
"If that's the good news, what's the great news?" asked the husband.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/14/20050 Comments
okeWhat do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/13/20050 Comments
okeThis test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
- You are in Florida, Miami to be specific.
- There is chaos all around you, caused by a hurricane, with severe flooding.
- This is a flood of biblical proportions.
- You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
- The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
- There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
- Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
- Suddenly you see a woman in the water.
- She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
- You move closer. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Hillary Clinton!
- At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever.
- You have two options - you can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women.
So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
I think I would go with black and white, it gives it more of a classic feel.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/12/20050 Comments
oke"There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/11/20050 Comments
oke"Feminism seems to be a case of women having won a leg-wrestling match with their own other leg. There is only one thing for men to do in response to this confusing situation, which is the same thing men have always done, which is anything women want."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/10/20050 Comments
okeA Texan, a Californian, and an Oregonian are out riding horses.
The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a long drink, then another and suddenly throws it into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in midair.
The Californian looks at him and says, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"
The Texan says, "In Texas, there is plenty of whiskey and the bottles are cheap."
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Californian pulls out a bottle of wine, takes a few sips, throws the bottle into the air, pulls
out his gun and shoots it in midair.
The Oregonian can't believe his eyes, "What the heck did you do that for? That was a perfectly good bottle of wine!"
The Californian says, "In California, we have plenty of wine and bottles are cheap."
So, awhile later, the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of Widmer Hefeweizen. He opens it, takes a sip, and then chugs the whole bottle. He then puts the bottle in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, and shoots the Californian.
The Texan, shocked, says, "Why the hell did you do that?!"
The Oregonian replies, "In Oregon, we have plenty of Californians and the bottles are worth a nickel."
Submitted by Trigger, Aired on 07/09/20050 Comments
oke"Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/08/20050 Comments
oke"Dates used to be made days or even weeks in advance. Now dates tend to be made the day after. That is, you get a phone call from someone who says, 'If anyone asks, I was out to dinner with you last night, okay?'"
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/07/20050 Comments
oke"Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/05/20051 Comments
oke"There is no way to make vomiting courteous. You have to do the next best thing, which is to vomit in such a way that the story you tell about it later will be amusing."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/04/20050 Comments
okeA man walks into a dentist's office, the dentist asks him "How can I help you?"
The man replies "I think I'm a moth."
"Well you need to see a psychiatrist, not a dentist."
"I know that" the man replies.
"Then why did you come in here?"
"The light was on."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/03/20050 Comments