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quotes:

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Jack Nicholson
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
George Burns
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl that would get really pissed if she heard me say that.
Mitch Hedburg
You cannot outthink someone who isn't thinking.
Albert Einstein
In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.
Homer Simpson
It's better to be pissed off, then pissed on!
Annonymous
He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was the one making me do it!
Family Guy
Even a fish could stay out of trouble if it kept it's mouth shut!
Annonymous
A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body!
Annonymous
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
Rodney Dangerfield
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson
Is it possible to see something so funny, that it ruins your sense of humor forever?
Eric Cartman
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
Albert Einstein
I just thought of something funny...your mother.
Cheech Marin
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Peter O'Toole.
Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?
H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927
All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
Charlie Chaplin
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
Mel Brooks
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Joe E Lewis
I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
Pablo Picasso
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
Dennis Ritchie
Drinking for an entertainer is like stretching for an athlete.
Mitch Hedberg
There are no good ways to die.
Chick McGee
If you die, and you're in debt, you win.
Ben Creed
If you can't spot the sucker at your table in the first thirty minutes, you are the sucker.
Matt Damon, Rounders
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Colette
You can go along way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Al Capone
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
Steve Martin
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Jim Carrey
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlin
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!
Jimmy Buffet
If you dedicate yourself to learning about your subject for 15 minutes a day, in a year's time you'll be an expert. In five years, you'll be a national expert. The only hard part is choosing your subject.
Albert Einstein
 
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August 11, 2020

of the day history

There are 591 Jokes and counting ... Enjoy!

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oke

A young boy went before the Juvenile Court. The Judge asked "what are you here for young man?" The boy responded "I want to divorce my parents and be adopted by the Dallas Cowboys." Judge said "why is that?" The boy stated "because the Cowboys don't beat anybody."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/28/2004

0 Comments

oke

The owner of a golf course in Florida was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Florida and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/26/2004

0 Comments

oke

I kind of have a shy bladder ever since the accident. Anyway - I've been trying to master a trick to get over it. I go into the public restroom at work convinced that there is a meteor about to destroy Earth and only my urine can full the ballistic missile that will save us all.

So I tried it today. I go in and just as I'm about to fill up the external fuel tank in that missile, the company president comes in and starts pissing like a ceritfied race horse right next to me. I concentrated - "Save the planet - Save the planet!" And I'll be darned - my dick looked up at me and said - "We're screwed buddy, cause I ain't pissin' a drop."

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 11/25/2004

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oke

The preacher's, Sunday sermon was, "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked, how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands.He then repeated his question. Now about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question. All responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three." she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said, "I outlived those bitches."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/24/2004

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oke

Did you hear that Monica Lewinski voted Republican this year? She said that the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/23/2004

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oke

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are at 42.3 degrees north latitude and 85.6 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/22/2004

0 Comments

oke

An officer asks to borrow a dollar from a soldier.
"Sure, buddy," says the soldier.
"That's no way to address a superior!" screams the officer. "Now let's try that again. May I borrow a dollar, private?"
"Sir, no, sir."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/21/2004

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oke

A bass player and his wife are making love when all of a sudden he stops and asks her, "honey, did I hurt you?"
"No," she says. "Why do you ask."
"Well, because you moved."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/20/2004

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oke

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks- "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies. About that time the cop ooks down and sees the man's 'personality' is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out, "I'll be damned, My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/19/2004

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oke

Jane and her husband were having a little spat and were giving each
other the silent treatment. During the week Jane's husband had an important
appointment and had to be at the airport in time. Not wanting to be the first to
break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at
5:00 A.M." The next morning he woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 A.M.,
and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why
Jane hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper on the bed.... It
said in Jane?s hand writing..."It is 5:00 A.M., wake up!"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/18/2004

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oke

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" the guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes i am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sauseage, would you ask if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me it I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well, no." With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well alright then, why did you ask me if I was Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?" The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/16/2004

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oke

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his
predicament.
Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. - Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES. - Love Fred
At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. - Love Fred

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/15/2004

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oke

I was doing something on the computer last night and took a quick break to run downstairs and get a snack. While down there I noticed a brown little slug on the kitchen floor. WTF! So I got out the salt shaker and poured a little on him and he just loved that.

Anyway - Wendy just then calls me up to help her with KK and I forget about it. 15 minutes later I hear Wendy SCREAM - and I instatnly know what happened. Yup - she stepped on something super gu-ee and when I tell her it's just a little slug, let's just say she wasn't relieved like I thought she'd be.

commentZackDaddy's website RULEZ! -J$

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 11/13/2004

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oke

Two guys are walking around the mall when their carts collide. One guy says to the other, "Hey, I looking for my wife?"
" What a conincidence, so am I," says the other man. "Maybe I can help you. What does she look like?"
" Well, she's tall, thin, has dark hair, nice big firm boobs and tight rear end. What does your wife look like?"
" Nevermind, lets just go look for yours."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/12/2004

0 Comments

oke

I told this joke to a little kid at the park and I don't know why, but he ran home crying like a little baby.

me: Knock! Knock! kid: Who's there? me: Phuck. kid: Phuck who? me: Phuck YOU!!!

commentHey - they were telling lame knock knock jokes and I thought I'd take it to the next level. Kids these days. So sensative.

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 11/11/2004

3 Comments

oke

There was two little old men sitting on a couch in a nursing home watching the parade of old folks shuffling up and down the hallway. When along came a little old lady, who stopped in front of them, lifted up her dress over her head and proclamed loudly, "Super Panties, Super Sex!", then lowering her dress, headed on down the hall. The two old gentlemen sat there for a while, when one leaned over to the other with his hand up to his ear asked, "What did she say?"
The other said loudly, " She said "Super Panties, Super Sex."
"Oh" replied the first old man, "I think I'll have the soup ! "

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/10/2004

0 Comments

oke

A duck walks into a bar one day at lunch time. He orders a beer and a ham sandwich. After several days of the same lunch order the bartender says "Never saw a duck eat lunch in here before." The duck replies, "Well get use to it. I'm working on the construction job across the street."
A few days later the circus comes to town and the ringmaster comes into the bar for lunch. The bartender tells him about the talking duck that drinks beer and eats sandwiches. The ringmaster asks the bartender to send the duck down to the circus for a job.
The next day the duck comes in and the bartender tells him about the job offer. The duck looks surprised and asks "The circus is where animals do tricks inside a big tent right?" The bartender agrees. The duck asks, "What the hell would they need with a drywaller?"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/09/2004

0 Comments

oke

Two guys are in an a classy restaurant high up in a skyscraper downtown, and they've had too much to drink at the bar. One staggers over to a window, opens it,
and says, "You know, I bet the updraft between these two buildings is so strong, I could step out the window and it would keep me afloat."
The second one replies, "You...You're crazy. You step out that window and you're a dead man, don't be stupid." The first guy with a drunken grin and crazy look in his eye takes one bold step off the ledge, and sure enough, he just floats there. "WOW, you were right!" says the other.
"Yeah, but I bet you can't do it."
"You dumbass, if you can do it, I can do it." So the second guy walks up, climbs out, takes one step off the ledge, and instantly plummets several stories to his doom. The first guy comes back inside chuckling to himself and closes the window.
The bartender says to him, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/08/2004

0 Comments

oke

He laid her on the table,
So white, clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.


He touched her neck and then her breast,
And then, drooling, felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.


The hole was wide...he looked inside,
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms,
And then ...........







......he stuffed the turkey!

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 11/07/2004

0 Comments

oke

I was listening to Pink Floyd's "Time" and it was so good that I fainted
while I was driving. I went over a cliff and my truck exploded in mid-air, but thankfully there weren't any cops around - I would have been screwed!

commentI am the Luckiest man alive!

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 11/06/2004

0 Comments

oke

A wise man once said that the young fall in love, while the old fall dead.

commentWow that's deep man.

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 11/05/2004

0 Comments

oke

burn me once - you have gonorrea.
burn me once - I have gonorea.

commentJimmy at work made that up.

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 11/04/2004

0 Comments

oke

What did the bra say to the hat?

"You go on ahead, while I give these two a lift."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/03/2004

1 Comments

oke

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Banana.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/02/2004

0 Comments

oke

A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then to the other.
A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building.
One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy."
The other girl says, "Gee...do you think he'd remember us?"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/01/2004

0 Comments

oke

A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home.

One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled.

The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!"

The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/31/2004

0 Comments

oke

If you are Bi-polar, then you have a mental disorder.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, then you have a mental disorder.
If you are gay, then you have a mental disorder.

I'm here, I'm Bi-Polar, Get used to it!

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 10/30/2004

0 Comments

oke

So I'm at work yesterday and someone barely burns me with a lame Yo Mama joke, so I tell the guy, "Yo mama's so FAT - a weener fell out of one of her huge fat folds and it turns out she's A MAN!" That one got a lot of laughs for some reason. Ssssssss - burn...

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 10/29/2004

0 Comments

oke

What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw in the laundry.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/28/2004

0 Comments

oke

A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, "I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on."

The woman replied, "Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?"

The man replied, "No, I'm turning the heat off."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/27/2004

0 Comments

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