okeA high school senior decided to work hard so he could get into Harvard. He finally gets an acceptance letter and goes to visit the campus. He's walking around campus, in awe, and runs into a scholarly gentleman. The kid asks the gentleman, "Excuse me, sir. Could you tell me where the library is at?"
The gentleman scoffs at the kid and says, "We at Harvard, NEVER end a sentence with a preposition!"
The kid backs off a step and says, "OK. Can you tell me where the library is at, A**HOLE!?!"
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/20/20050 Comments
okeDEER HUNTING SEASON IN THE U.P.
Toivo and his friend Eino were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in Northern Michigan near highway 38 in Ontonagon County. A huge buck walked by and Toivo carefully shouldered his rifle and took careful aim. Before he could pull the trigger, his friend, Eino pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand. Toivo slowly let off the pressure on the rifle trigger, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer. Toivo's friend, Eino was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known." Toivo shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/18/20050 Comments
okeA woman awakes during the night to find that her
Husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes
downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at
the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of
him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes
a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps
into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago
when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks
The wife is touched to tears because of her husbands
Thoughtfulness and sensitivity... "Yes, I do" she
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the
back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into
a chair beside him.
The husband continues... "Do you remember when he
shoved a shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry
my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I
would have gotten out today
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/17/20050 Comments
ITALIAN PASTA DIET ...IT REALLY WORKS !!
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
For those who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting Medical studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of
sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
kills you !!
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/16/20050 Comments
okeThings My Mother Taught Me
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/15/20050 Comments
okeA woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die."
"What do I have to do?" she asked.
"First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood."
"Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work."
"Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores."
"Forth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed."
On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/14/20050 Comments
oke"Last night I dreamed that someone gave me a tiny goat. It was about the size of a Chihuahua, with fur like a poodle. It purred when I picked it up and held it. And it never needed to eat, poop, or pee. It didnít bark, bleet, howl or damage the furniture. In short, it was the perfect tiny goat. I believe he loved me, but not in a creepy physical way.
Have you ever had dreams where you miss someone after you wake up? I donít know if I should be happy about the quality time I spent with my tiny goat or unhappy because I wonít get to see him again. I know I miss him."
- Scott Adams
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/13/20050 Comments
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
The next day at 12:01am, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." "No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says, "Please tell me how you died."
The third man says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/12/20050 Comments
1. "You get this round and the next round is on me." I''ll be leaving before the next round.
2. "I''ll get this round and the next one is on you." Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they''ll be $3.50.
3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) I''m easy.
5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) I''m gay.
6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I''ll do to you on the ride home?
8. "I don''t feel well, let''s go home." (female) You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
9. I don''t feel well, let''s go home." (male) I''m horny.
10. "Who''s got the next round?" I haven''t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/11/20051 Comments
okeQ: Know why we set out milk and cookies for Santa?
A: He's upper management, think he'll get it himself?
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/10/20050 Comments
okeNot long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree, fat man?"
And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
Merry Christmas everyone!!
Submitted by chettyboy7, Aired on 12/09/20050 Comments
okeA jock and a geek applying for the same job.
The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."
So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."
The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"
"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me neither'.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/07/20050 Comments
okeQ. What's green, fuzzy, has 4 legs, and, if it falls out of a tree, can kill you?
A. A pool table.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/06/20050 Comments
okeQ. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/05/20050 Comments
okeTwo men are walking down the street...
I forget the punch-line, but your mother's a whore.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/03/20050 Comments
okeQ. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead!
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/02/20050 Comments
okeThe Non-Stress Diet
This diet is designed to help you cope with stress which normally builds up during the day.
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry
8 oz. Skim Milk
4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Spinach
1 cup Herb Tea
1 Oreo Cookie
Rest of the Oreos in the package
2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream
Loaves of Garlic Bread with Cheese
Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza
4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars
Rules For This Diet
1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Example: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife and ice cream on a spoon.
10. Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.
11. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/01/20050 Comments
okeA couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she
can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can
help. The vet tells
the woman to tie a ribbon around
the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah,
right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the
dog begins snoring, as
usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.
Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs
a piece of red ribbon
and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure
enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from
being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into
bed, falls asleep and
begins snoring loudly. The
woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she
goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon
and ties it
around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps
He wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the
bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he
glances in the mirror
and sees a blue ribbon attached
to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks
back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached
to his dog's
testicles. He shakes his head and
looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we
were, or what we did, but by God, we took first and
Submitted by chettyboy7, Aired on 11/30/20051 Comments
okeRedneck Computer Lingo
Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful downloadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Gettin' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/29/20051 Comments
okeA woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot annouces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing. The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed. So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Here you go, you crazy bitch, iron this."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/28/20050 Comments
oke"Do you ever have moments when you think you may have spontaneously developed a super power? This happens to me a lot. For example, the other day I heard some sounds in the distance and my first thought was I wonder if normal people can hear that? For some reason, I felt as though I had developed super hearing. Iím optimistic that way.
I also spend way too much time staring at objects and trying to make them burst into flames. I realize itís a long shot, buy how do you really know unless you try? I grew up reading Superman and Spider-Man comics, so I take for granted that sooner or later Iíll have a freak accident that gives me a super power. Itíll hurt when it happens, for sure, but it will be worth it. I just hope itís not a crappy super power, such as the ability to add long columns of numbers in my head, or the power to eat an unlimited amount of eggs. I want the kind where I can kill people and impress people and ultimately kill the people who refuse to be impressed. And the witnesses too, of course."
- Scott Adams
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/25/20051 Comments
okeWith a lousy year under his belt a tractor salesman was traveling down a dusty back road in Iowa, when he came across a farmer working his field with an old, broken down
tractor. He jumped out of his truck and gave his best sales pitch to the old guy. The farmer stroked his chin and said, "The other day I was getting ready to milk Betsy. I was just getting started when she kicked me with her left leg. So I grabbed me a piece of rope and tied her leg to the stall. Just as I was starting again, she kicked me with her right leg. I grabbed another piece of rope and tied leg to the other side of the stall. I'll be darned if when I started again she smacked in the face with her tail. I grabbed another piece of rope and tied her tail to the rafter above. Mister, if you can convince my wife that I was just trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/24/20050 Comments
okeA waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?"
"Yes," the man replies. "Iím just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that theyíre going to die."
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/23/20050 Comments
okeWell, itís official. A jury decided that actor Robert Blake "kinda killed" his wife and ordered him to pay the family 30 million dollars. This is eight months after another jury decided that he "didnít definitely kill" his wife and so the state shouldnít "probably kill blake" in return.
Blake took the verdict like a true gentleman. In fact, I heard that he invited all of his in-laws to dinner at a nice Italian restaurant.
- Scott Adams
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/22/20050 Comments
okeAs we age, our priorities change. One day this middle-aged man came
and was greeted by his wife, who was dressed only in very sexy
holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, " and you can do anything you want."
So, he tied her up and went fishing.
Submitted by chettyboy7, Aired on 11/21/20051 Comments
okeA woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that
She is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/20/20050 Comments
okeIím sick of all the stereotypes found in the news. Maybe you heard the story about the four suicide bombers who planned an attack in Jordan. The three males killed mostly other Muslims. Obviously the men were looking for Israel and refused to stop and ask for directions. And the one woman in the group apparently couldnít figure out how to operate her suicide belt.
Iím just wondering, how many women heard that story on the news and thought "Crap. Why did it have to be the woman who couldnít blow herself up?"
- Scott Adams
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/19/20050 Comments
okeThe Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/18/20050 Comments
okeTwo men were driving through Texas when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.
"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked. "You're in Texas, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Texas, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands. "Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.
> "Because I know your type," the trooper says, "two miles down the road
> you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've
> tried that shit with me'."
Submitted by chettyboy7, Aired on 11/17/20050 Comments