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quotes:

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Jack Nicholson
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
George Burns
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl that would get really pissed if she heard me say that.
Mitch Hedburg
You cannot outthink someone who isn't thinking.
Albert Einstein
In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.
Homer Simpson
It's better to be pissed off, then pissed on!
Annonymous
He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was the one making me do it!
Family Guy
Even a fish could stay out of trouble if it kept it's mouth shut!
Annonymous
A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body!
Annonymous
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
Rodney Dangerfield
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson
Is it possible to see something so funny, that it ruins your sense of humor forever?
Eric Cartman
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
Albert Einstein
I just thought of something funny...your mother.
Cheech Marin
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Peter O'Toole.
Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?
H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927
All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
Charlie Chaplin
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
Mel Brooks
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Joe E Lewis
I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
Pablo Picasso
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
Dennis Ritchie
Drinking for an entertainer is like stretching for an athlete.
Mitch Hedberg
There are no good ways to die.
Chick McGee
If you die, and you're in debt, you win.
Ben Creed
If you can't spot the sucker at your table in the first thirty minutes, you are the sucker.
Matt Damon, Rounders
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Colette
You can go along way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Al Capone
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
Steve Martin
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Jim Carrey
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlin
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!
Jimmy Buffet
If you dedicate yourself to learning about your subject for 15 minutes a day, in a year's time you'll be an expert. In five years, you'll be a national expert. The only hard part is choosing your subject.
Albert Einstein
 
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February 25, 2020

of the day history

There are 591 Jokes and counting ... Enjoy!

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oke

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/23/2004

2 Comments

oke

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/22/2004

4 Comments

oke

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/21/2004

0 Comments

oke

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. ~Bill Cosby

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/20/2004

0 Comments

oke

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/19/2004

0 Comments

oke

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/18/2004

0 Comments

oke

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/17/2004

0 Comments

oke

I hate it when I'm wearing laced pink panties and someone at work gives me a wedgy. Forget the looks of horror on everyone's faces and the gasps - those laced panties AREN'T CHEAP!!! Ya know.

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 06/16/2004

0 Comments

oke

We didn't break free from that pantsy country England by voting! We did it by throwing their stinkin' tea in our American harbour! And why? Because Americans don't like tea. We like coffee. And Americans don't like wine. We like beer. Ice cold. Ice-cold-best-in-a-bottle-but-fine-any-way-you-can-get-it-belchin. It would make a great movie! Better than that damn Columbus. America was already there, it would take a genius to invent a toilet bowl! wake-up-in-a-pool-of-it-next-day-beer!

submitSubmitted by Joseph, Aired on 06/15/2004

0 Comments

oke

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

commentOH MY GOD!

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/14/2004

0 Comments

oke

A guy went home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice whispered to him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, and go to Vegas."
The man was disturbed about what he heard and ignored the voice. The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice whispered to him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, and go to Vegas."
Again the man ignored the voice, though he was very troubled by the event. Every day, the man was tormented by the same voice when he came home from work: " Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, and go to Vegas."
Each time the man heard the voice he became increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his house, got together all his money, and headed to Vegas. The moment the man got off the plane in Vegas, the voice told him, "Go to Harrah's."
So he hopped into a cab and rushed over to Harrah's. As soon as he set foot in the casino, the voice echoed, "Go to the roulette table." The man did as he was told.
When he arrived at the roulette table, the voice firmly told him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and then put them all on 17. The dealer wished the man good luck and spun the roulette wheel.
Around and around the ball caromed. The man anxiously watched the ball as it slowly lost speed, until finally it settled into number... 21.
The voice said, "Damn..."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/13/2004

0 Comments

oke

An elderly couple stop for gas at a remote roadside gas station. The old man gets out to pump the gas. While standing next to the car, a young attendant comes out, looking for some conversation.
"Where you folks from?" he asks
"We're from South Dakota" replies the old man
"EH? WHAT'D HE SAY?" the old lady shouts
"HE WANTS TO KNOW WHERE WE'RE FROM" the old man shouts back
"OH" the old lady replies
"Where abouts in South Dakota?" the young man asks
"Pierre"
"EH? WHAT'D HE SAY?" the old lady shouts
"HE WANTED TO KNOW WHERE IN SOUTH DAKOTA WE'RE FROM, AND I TOLD HIM PIERRE" the old man shouts.
Then the young man chuckles."You know, the worst lay of my life was a woman from Pierre. Bitchy, nasty! Boy, I'll never forget her."
"EH, WHAT'D HE SAY?"
The old man leans into the car
."HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/12/2004

0 Comments

oke

grep -Irn "your_word" *

commentwoe - that's some serious searching power
WEEEEEZ WEEEEEEEZ WEEEEEEEEEZ!!!

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 06/11/2004

0 Comments

oke

Kryten: "They've taken Mister Rimmer. Sir they've taken Mister Rimmer"
Cat: "Quick, let's get outta here before they bring him back!"

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 06/10/2004

0 Comments

oke

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.

commentDeep thoughts by Jack Handy

submitSubmitted by Buck, Aired on 06/09/2004

0 Comments

oke

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

commentDeep thoughts by Jack Handy

submitSubmitted by Buck, Aired on 06/08/2004

0 Comments

oke

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

commentDeep thoughts by Jack Handy

submitSubmitted by Buck, Aired on 06/07/2004

0 Comments

oke

Q: What's the biggest cause for divorce in this country?
A: Marriage.

submitSubmitted by Anonymous, Aired on 06/06/2004

0 Comments

oke

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"

commentDeep thoughts by Jack Handy

submitSubmitted by Buck, Aired on 06/05/2004

0 Comments

oke

(Lister meets Rimmer's sado-masochistic doppelganger)
Lister: "Rimmer?"
Evil Rimmer: "Looking for someone? Hello my princess!"
Lister: "What do you want with me?"
Evil Rimmer: "I want to hurt you."
Lister: "Why?"
Evil Rimmer: "Because I'm not a very nice person."
Lister: "A holowhip?"
Evil Rimmer: "I'm going to lash you to within an inch of your life. And then, I'm going to have you!"

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 06/04/2004

0 Comments

oke

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

commentDeep thoughts by Jack Handy

submitSubmitted by Buck, Aired on 06/03/2004

0 Comments

oke

Cat: "WHAT? Am I the only sane one here? Why don't we drop the defensive shields?"
Kryten: "A superlative suggestion sir with just two minor flaws. One, we don't have any defensive shields and two, we don't have any defensive shields. Now I realise that technically speaking that's only one flaw but I thought it was such a big one it was worth mentioning twice!"

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 06/02/2004

0 Comments

oke

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

commentDeep thoughts by Jack Handy

submitSubmitted by Buck, Aired on 06/01/2004

0 Comments

oke

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

commentDeep thoughts by Jack Handy

submitSubmitted by Buck, Aired on 05/31/2004

0 Comments

oke

A guy walks into a bar and spies a young lady cryin' in her beer. He asks her why she is so tearful and she replies: "My husband wants a divorce because he says I'm to kinky" The man says: "what a kawinkidink, I broke up w/ my girlfriend because she says the same!" 10 minutes later they go back to her place where she puts on her best dominatrix outfit in the bathroom. As she comes out the man is leaving, confused she says: "I thought you liked it kinky!" The man replies: "That I do, I just fucked your dog and took a shit in your purse, I'm done!"

submitSubmitted by jj, Aired on 05/30/2004

0 Comments

oke

Rimmer: "Sorry? Why are you sorry?"
Kryten: "Well, the space corps directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation a hologramatic crew member must lay down his life in order that the living crew members might survive"
Rimmer: "Yes but Rimmer directive 271 states just as clearly.... no chance you metal bastard!"

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 05/29/2004

0 Comments

oke

In today's hectic world we all could use a little calm. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.You have no idea how freakin' good I feel! Now, it's off to the bar (hmm, work) I go...

submitSubmitted by Joseph, Aired on 05/28/2004

0 Comments

oke

These are not books, lumps of lifeless paper, but minds alive on the shelves. -Gilbert Highet

commentHAHAHAHA, LMAO - God that's funny! Not.

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 05/27/2004

0 Comments

oke

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

commentDeep thoughts by Jack Handy

submitSubmitted by Buck, Aired on 05/26/2004

0 Comments

oke

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

commentDeep thoughts by Jack Handy

submitSubmitted by Buck, Aired on 05/25/2004

0 Comments

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