Paint it Black
Let There Be White
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April 02, 2025
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey |
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca |
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. ~Bill Cosby |
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas. |
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle |
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. |
I hate it when I'm wearing laced pink panties and someone at work gives me a wedgy. Forget the looks of horror on everyone's faces and the gasps - those laced panties AREN'T CHEAP!!! Ya know. |
We didn't break free from that pantsy country England by voting! We did it by throwing their stinkin' tea in our American harbour! And why? Because Americans don't like tea. We like coffee. And Americans don't like wine. We like beer. Ice cold. Ice-cold-best-in-a-bottle-but-fine-any-way-you-can-get-it-belchin. It would make a great movie! Better than that damn Columbus. America was already there, it would take a genius to invent a toilet bowl! wake-up-in-a-pool-of-it-next-day-beer! |
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. |
A guy went home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice whispered to him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, and go to Vegas." |
An elderly couple stop for gas at a remote roadside gas station. The old man gets out to pump the gas. While standing next to the car, a young attendant comes out, looking for some conversation. |
grep -Irn "your_word" * |
Kryten: "They've taken Mister Rimmer. Sir they've taken Mister Rimmer" |
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary. |
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. |
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture. |
Q: What's the biggest cause for divorce in this country? |
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!" |
(Lister meets Rimmer's sado-masochistic doppelganger) |
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. |
Cat: "WHAT? Am I the only sane one here? Why don't we drop the defensive shields?" |
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. |
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. |
A guy walks into a bar and spies a young lady cryin' in her beer. He asks her why she is so tearful and she replies: "My husband wants a divorce because he says I'm to kinky" The man says: "what a kawinkidink, I broke up w/ my girlfriend because she says the same!" 10 minutes later they go back to her place where she puts on her best dominatrix outfit in the bathroom. As she comes out the man is leaving, confused she says: "I thought you liked it kinky!" The man replies: "That I do, I just fucked your dog and took a shit in your purse, I'm done!" |
Rimmer: "Sorry? Why are you sorry?" |
In today's hectic world we all could use a little calm. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read: |
These are not books, lumps of lifeless paper, but minds alive on the shelves. -Gilbert Highet |
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. |
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff. |
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oke
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/23/2004
2 Comments