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quotes:

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Jack Nicholson

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Billy Crystal

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

Steve Martin

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

George Burns

I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl that would get really pissed if she heard me say that.

Mitch Hedburg

You cannot outthink someone who isn't thinking.

Albert Einstein

In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.

Homer Simpson

It's better to be pissed off, then pissed on!

Annonymous

He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was the one making me do it!

Family Guy

Even a fish could stay out of trouble if it kept it's mouth shut!

Annonymous

A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body!

Annonymous

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

Rodney Dangerfield

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

Hunter S. Thompson

Is it possible to see something so funny, that it ruins your sense of humor forever?

Eric Cartman

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Will Rogers

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

Albert Einstein

I just thought of something funny...your mother.

Cheech Marin

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Peter O'Toole.

Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?

H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Charlie Chaplin

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.

Mel Brooks

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Joe E Lewis

I can resist everything except temptation.

Oscar Wilde

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

Pablo Picasso

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Dennis Ritchie

Drinking for an entertainer is like stretching for an athlete.

Mitch Hedberg

There are no good ways to die.

Chick McGee

If you die, and you're in debt, you win.

Ben Creed

If you can't spot the sucker at your table in the first thirty minutes, you are the sucker.

Matt Damon, Rounders

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Colette

You can go along way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.

Al Capone

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Mel Brooks

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Dave Edison

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.

Steve Martin

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Jim Carrey

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

George Carlin

If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!

Jimmy Buffet

If you dedicate yourself to learning about your subject for 15 minutes a day, in a year's time you'll be an expert. In five years, you'll be a national expert. The only hard part is choosing your subject.

Albert Einstein

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April 26, 2025

of the day history

There are 591 Jokes and counting ... Enjoy!

Page: [1][2][3][4][5][6][7][8][9][10][11][12][13][14][15][16][17][18][19][20]

oke

5 REASONS NOT TO BE A PENIS
1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an *******.
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint

comment ;)

submit Submitted by Lakira76, Aired on 04/10/2005

oke

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? And who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied. "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die, I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St. Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. But you may choose."

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen," Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow.

Along came a rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm," said the rooster. "How does it feel?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation! Have you never laid an egg before?"

"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop', an egg was on the ground. "Wow," Harry said. "That felt really good!"

So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're ****ting all over the bed!"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 04/09/2005

oke

Safe Sex Guide:

1. Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

2. Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."

3. Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.

4. Before unsafe sex, think to yourself what the kids will look like.

5. Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.

6. Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

7. Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.

8. You CAN get it from kissing... tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

9. If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out before hand to hope for the best.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 04/07/2005

oke

Some Cereal boxes that didn't quite make the shelf...

Toxic Waste Puffs

Beerios

Kevorkian Krispies

Honeymoon Nuts

Chernobyl Charms

Eboli-O's

Cap'n Crack

Kellogg's Ganja Puffs

Lucky Tabs O' Acid

Colostomy Crunch

Phil Graham Crackers

Fruit & Fabio

Look Again -- Them Ain't Raisins

Post-Modern Toasties and Rococo Puffs

Limbaugh Logs

Kellogg's "None of Your Goddam Business"

Special AK47

UnaBran

Nut 'N' *****

CaCa Puffs

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 04/06/2005

oke

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 04/05/2005

oke

"I had my ex-wife air-brushed on my windshield so that it looks like I'm running her monkey-ass over."

comment Geoff Brown

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 04/04/2005

oke

"Don't cry. You look fat when you cry."

comment Pete Lee on how he gets his girlfriend to stop being upset with him.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 04/03/2005

oke

Q: Why Does Michael Jackson Like Twenty Four Year Olds?

A: Because there are twenty of them.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 04/02/2005

oke

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Melbourne. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a devon sandwich!!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen Darlin, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 04/01/2005

oke

Q: What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?

A: Get in the Batmobile Robin!

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/31/2005

oke

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

comment OUCH!

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/30/2005

oke

Three engineers were in a bar, when the discussion turned to religion. They pretty much agreed right away the God must be an engineer, because who else could be responsible for all the wonders of the world. But they couldn't agree which type of engineer He was.

A Mechanical Engineer, said the first. Just look at the way the human body works, with all the parts moving in sync.

That's ridiculous, said the second engineer. Our bodies work as well as they do because of all the electrical impulses, firing our neurons. God
is an electrical engineer!

You guys don't get it at all, said the third engineer. God is a civil engineer! Who else would build a terrific recreational area with a
wastewater system running through it!

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/29/2005

oke

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, are stumbling home from the pub late one night and find themselves on the road that leads past the old graveyard..
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole... it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"My God, what was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus lights a match to look at the marker more closely,"Miles, from Dublin," he says.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/28/2005

oke

What did the fish say when he hit a wall?

Dam!

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/27/2005

oke

Here's something to think about: In the course of history's wars, many battles took place in the woods and the countryside. So, sometimes I picture a soldier waking up on a spring morning, wildflowers growing around his tent, birds singing in the trees, perhaps the comforting sound of a brook trickling by in the near distance. And then a ten-pound cannonball hits him in the face. It's an interesting thought, don't you think?

comment George Carlin

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/26/2005

oke

What did the dog get when he multiplied 88 x 7?
The wrong answer.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/25/2005

oke

Subject: You Suck
Message:
Rachel
baby_gurl_22000
this site sucks

comment Aw shucks, my first hate mail. Aren't you a sweetie =).

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/24/2005

oke

They say that money can't buy you happiness...

But have you ever seen a person frown on a jet ski?

Have you ever seen a homeless man skip? I did once, and a beer bottle hit him in the head! Alright, so I threw it, but I just don't want to see a homeless guy happier than me!

comment Bob and Tom Show

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/23/2005

oke

Hank: I'm going up to San Francisco this weekend.

Frank: Oh. Well, tell Pierre I said hello.

Hank: Actually, I knew you would say that, so I took the liberty of calling him and telling him you said hello. He said in that case to tell you he also says hello. So, "Hello" from Pierre. And he said to add, "How's it goin'?"

Frank: Oh, that's great. Well tell him everything's going just fine. And don't forget to say, "How are you?"

Hank: Well, he and I knew you would ask that, and so Pierre has authorized me to say that he's glad you're fine, but that he hasn't been feeling too well lately.

Frank: Oh. Well, tell him I'm sorry to hear that and I hope it isn't serious.

Hank: He say he knew you would be sorry to hear that, but he thinks it will blow over.

Frank: Well, tell him if it doesn't I have a great doctor in San Francisco. Ginny and I met him in Hawaii when we were there last year.

Hank: Pierre says he knew you had a great doctor, but he wasn't aware he was located in San Francisco. He also says he didn't know you and Ginny had gone to Hawaii. He thought it was Cancun. And he also says, "How's Ginny?"

Frank: Tell him Ginny is dead.

Hank: Well, I'm sure he didn't know, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that he's real sorry to hear about that, and I'm willing to bet anything he offers his condolences. And, most likely, he'll also say that if there's anything he can do--anything--please don't hesitate to ask.

Frank: Excuse me, Hank. I'd love to keep talking, but I have to go buy underwear.

Hank: Oh. Well, Pierre says there's a sale at The Gap.

Frank: Get ****ed, Hank.

comment George Carlin

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/22/2005

oke

I don't know why people got all excited about that guy Jeffrey Dahmer. Because he broke a few laws? So what? There's nothing wrong with killing twelve people, having sex with their corpses, ************ on them, eating their flesh and then saving the heads in the refrigerator. What's wrong with that? Nothin. So far, nobody has been able to explain to me what it was Jeffrey Dahmer did that was so wrong.

First of all, let's remember, wrong is a relative term. Who's to say what's wrong? Who are we to judge? Put yourself in the other man's shoes. Who among you, under certain circumstances, might not kill twelve people, have sex with their corpses, ********** on them, eat their flesh and then save the heads in the refrigerator? Not one of you, I suspect. So cut the guy a little slack.

comment George Carlin

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/21/2005

oke

Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "you are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third mom. "your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." at this point, the fourth mother gets up takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "come on Dick, we're leaving."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/20/2005

oke

You ever run over a guy with your car? And you kind of panic? So you back up? And run over him a second time? And then you realize you have to get the **** outta there before the police show up? So you put it in drive again and run over him a third time? What the ****--might as well. What else you gonna do at that point, drive around him? Anyways, as you drive away, did you ever reflect on the fact that each time you ran over him the crunching sound got fainter and fainter? That's because he already had two good, deep grooves pressed into him that you kept driving through.

comment George Carlin

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/19/2005

oke

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender gives him a long look then says, "All right, just don't start anything."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/18/2005

oke

This item demonstrates how stupid the average American is. Every ninety minutes someone in this country is hit by a train. A train, okay? Trains are on tracks; they can't come and get you. They can't surprise you when you step off a curb. You have to go to them. Got that?

There are five thousand highway/rail-crossing accidents annually. To counter this problem, the Department of Transportation issued the following rules for people to follow at railroad crossings:

* Don't drive around lowered gates. "Okay, got it."
* Don't cross in front of a train. "Never thought of that."
* Don't walk on the tracks. "Check."
* Be aware that trains can't stop quickly. "Good to know."
* Always expect a train. "This one would probably be tied in to the fact that these are railroad tracks, is that right? Correct me if I'm worng on this."
* Look for more than one train. "Frankly, this one I never thought of. Maybe if I remember the others, this one will take care of itself."

comment George Carlin

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/17/2005

oke

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day:

First worm - dead

Second worm - dead.

Third worm - dead.

Fourth worm - alive.

Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/16/2005

oke

When I notice a dead fly on the windowsill--one that wasn't there the day before--I always wonder how he died. I wonder if he had a stroke, or maybe a little fly heart attack. Then I think maybe he's just pretending to be dead so I won't swat him. So I swat him.

comment George Carlin

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/15/2005

oke

I saw a homeless guy sitting on the sidewalk, yammering to himself and repeatedly punctuating his remarks with, "You know what I'm sayin'? You know what I'm saying'?" And I thought, For God's sake, the man is talking to himself! If he doesn't know what he's saying, who would?

comment George Carlin

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/14/2005

oke

Two pretzels were walking down the street and one of them was assalted!!

comment simple but funny

submit Submitted by EviLFaerY, Aired on 03/13/2005

oke

Dear Trevor,

The reason I'm writing is because I've lost your address and have no way of getting in touch with you. For that reason, chances are you won't receive this, in which case you should not feel obligated to reply. If, however, this letter does reach you and you wish to answer, please enclose your current address so I will know where to send this. By the way, you can ignore the return address on this envelope, as I am moving next week and, although I don't yet have my new address, I will be sending it along as soon as I hear from you.

Should you have any trouble locating me, please be assured I will contact you as soon as I have my new phone, so, by all means, give me a call and let me have your number. If it turns out I'm unable to reach you, please don't hesitate to get in touch, as I always mention it to my friends whenever neither of us hears from the other. Should you encounter any trouble reaching me, please let me know, and I will get back to you at once.

Then again, if you are unable to reach me, perhaps it would be better not to get in touch, because I will most likely be trying to get a hold of you. And, of course, if I do reach you please let me know immediately. Conversely, if I don't reach you, you will probably hear from me right away.

Well, evening is rolling around, and, as they say in Portugal, "It's time to say goodbye." I hope you receive this before you mail your letter. It's so good to communicate this way.

Sincerely,
Sperla Vaughn

P.S. Should this letter be lost in transit, please disregard.

comment George Carlin

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/12/2005

oke

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."
The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"
"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/11/2005

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