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quotes:

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Jack Nicholson

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Billy Crystal

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

Steve Martin

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

George Burns

I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl that would get really pissed if she heard me say that.

Mitch Hedburg

You cannot outthink someone who isn't thinking.

Albert Einstein

In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.

Homer Simpson

It's better to be pissed off, then pissed on!

Annonymous

He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was the one making me do it!

Family Guy

Even a fish could stay out of trouble if it kept it's mouth shut!

Annonymous

A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body!

Annonymous

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

Rodney Dangerfield

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

Hunter S. Thompson

Is it possible to see something so funny, that it ruins your sense of humor forever?

Eric Cartman

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Will Rogers

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

Albert Einstein

I just thought of something funny...your mother.

Cheech Marin

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Peter O'Toole.

Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?

H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Charlie Chaplin

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.

Mel Brooks

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Joe E Lewis

I can resist everything except temptation.

Oscar Wilde

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

Pablo Picasso

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Dennis Ritchie

Drinking for an entertainer is like stretching for an athlete.

Mitch Hedberg

There are no good ways to die.

Chick McGee

If you die, and you're in debt, you win.

Ben Creed

If you can't spot the sucker at your table in the first thirty minutes, you are the sucker.

Matt Damon, Rounders

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Colette

You can go along way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.

Al Capone

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Mel Brooks

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Dave Edison

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.

Steve Martin

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Jim Carrey

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

George Carlin

If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!

Jimmy Buffet

If you dedicate yourself to learning about your subject for 15 minutes a day, in a year's time you'll be an expert. In five years, you'll be a national expert. The only hard part is choosing your subject.

Albert Einstein

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April 01, 2025

of the day history

There are 591 Jokes and counting ... Enjoy!

Page: [1][2][3][4][5][6][7][8][9][10][11][12][13][14][15][16][17][18][19][20]

oke

Finish Your Sentences?

Stan: Why do you always...

Dan: ...finish your sentences?

Stan: Yes, it's something that's...

Dan: ...been bothering you for a long time?

Stan: Yes.

Dan: Well, it's a habit that started in grade school. When the teacher called on another kid, sometimes the kid would start to answer and then get stuck. So I would suppy the rest of the answer.

Stan: And this habit has stayed with you...

Dan: ...ever since that time.

Stan: But there must be something you can...

Dan: ...do about it? The only thing I could do about it would be to find some person who might be willing to...

Stan: ...finish your sentences?

Dan: Yes, if I could just find someone to finish my sentences...

Stan: ...it would put a little balance in your life?

Dan: Right.

Stan: But why does it have to be someone else? Why couldn't it be...

Dan: ...the same person? Why couldn't the same person whose sentences I finish...

Stan: ...be the same person who finishes your sentences?

Dan: I don't know. Let's ask this...

Man: ...man over here. What can I do for you fellows?

comment George Carlin

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/10/2005

oke

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sham.
Sham who?
I didn't know we were talking about yo mama.

Yo' mama a saint...a St. Bernard!

comment thats just sad!

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/09/2005

oke

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?

A. When you're ************ and your hand falls asleep!

comment Ha ha ha ... he he he ... I don't get it!

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/08/2005

oke

How do two psychiatrists greet each other?

"You are fine, how am I?"

comment Clearly I'm running low on jokes! If you have any good ones please submit them.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/07/2005

oke

A 6 year-old and 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year-old. " I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year-old nods his head in approval. The 6 year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.' The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, " You can stay in there until I let you out." She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a stern voice, "An what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/06/2005

oke

"Two soldiers get into a fight. Two other soldiers pull them apart and tell them not to fight. Then they all pick up their guns and go kill people."

- George Carlin

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/05/2005

oke

"NEW YORK (Reuters) - A weak El Nino and human-made greenhouse gases could make 2005 the warmest year since records started being kept in the late 1800s, NASA (news - web sites) scientists said this week."

We're all gonna Die!!!

MUA-AAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAHHH!

comment This is my comment.

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 03/04/2005

oke

"When you drive into California from Las Vegas they have an agricultural inspection station where they ask you if you have any fruits or vegetables with you. And then they just believe whatever you till them. What's the point of that? You know what I do? On every trip I put a yam in the glove compatment, just to be sure I'm breaking the law."

- George Carlin

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/03/2005

oke

"Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"
"The Chicken."
"What about the egg?"
"Okay, the egg."

- George Carlin

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/02/2005

oke

"We ought to have a name for the day before yesterday. Dayforeday? Yesterforday? Why don't you people just come up with something and get back to me."

- George Carlin

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/01/2005

oke

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground that reads: "The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now--Before It's Too Late!" As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say "Bridge Out?"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/27/2005

oke

1. shedevilgrandma52 said, and I quote:

This is such an interesting conversation. Just goes to show you how much this world is going to hell in a handbasket. Just like the people who commented on MY OPINION which I am entitled to. No one can take that right away from me. None of you *******s can even compare to my level of intelligence, so if I say something isn't funny and is just plain sick, then that is what it is. Take that and smoke it in your bongs!
Posted 12:15 AM P on February 21, 2005
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2. zackdaddy said, and I quote:

Much better shedevil :)
Posted 6:18 AM PS on February 21, 2005
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3. zackdaddy said, and I quote:

Out of curiosity, why are you submitting 'Mozilla' as your website URL?

Is that just some of your superior intellect at work?
Posted 6:28 AM PS on February 21, 2005
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4. Lakira76 said, and I quote:

if you dont like this website, then why do you come here? That was my point. why waist the energy to say something negative? you say there is a lot of that in the world, so then, WHY ADD TO IT????
Posted 8:38 AM PS on February 21, 2005

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/25/2005

oke

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."

He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his ********* and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

submit Submitted by buck, Aired on 02/24/2005

oke

1. shedevilgrandma52 said, and I quote:

This so called joke doesn't make any sense at all and it is extremely disgusting as well.
Posted 4:18 PM PS on February 18, 2005
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2. tiff_25 said, and I quote:

that was so gay!! I woke up this morning looking for some humor and this is what I get. I am going to throw up all over myself now.
Posted 9:07 AM PS on February 19, 2005
--------------------------------------------------
3. zackdaddy said, and I quote:

It aint easy coming up with jokes every day for you ungrateful bastaads! :)

Hey shedevilgrandma, if you have some better jokes, by all means send em in.

If not, shut up!!! Nobody likes a comedy critic with no sense of humor.
Posted 2:08 PM PS on February 19, 2005
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4. zackdaddy said, and I quote:

Also, if you're going to goto the trouble of posting comments on this site, please for the love of god, post something worthwhile!!! It's not the old "If you don't have something nice to say" horse****. Its more of a "If you don't have something humorous or interesting to say" kinda thing.

For example, tiff_25 bashed this non-joke, but she did so in a funny manner. Shedevil bashed this joke, and I want the last 5 seconds of my life back!

And don't even bother pointing out the irony of me posting a non-joke and then ripping on people for posting non-comments. I'm aware, and I think it's funny because the joke of the day is on you! And the suffering of others can be very funny, can I get a witness J$???

So the joke of the day with these non-jokes (which I only post occasionally) surfaces in these comments. Which brings me back to my point: If you don't have something funny or interesting to say, please in the name of all that is holy, don't waste our mother ******* time!!!

Now we return you to your regularly scheduled program...
Posted 4:12 PM PS on February 19, 2005
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5. Lakira76 said, and I quote:

I say HELL YEH!!! Hey Granny, **** OFF! How bout you go to geriatrics.com and check out their enema section! Or how bout you go to all the sicko teen porn sites and CRITICIZE them!
PS have a nice day!
Posted 4:30 PM PS on February 19, 2005

comment Good Stuff! http://snipurl.com/czs1

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/23/2005

oke

A pirate walks in to a bar. The bartender looks appraisingly at the
pirate's hook and peg leg, then says to the pirate, "I bet that cost you
an arm and a leg!"

submit Submitted by tiff_25, Aired on 02/22/2005

oke

A pirate walks in to a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.

The bartender looks at him quizzically and asks "What's with the
steering wheel?"

The pirate grimaces and replies "Aaaaargh, it's drivin' me nuts!"

submit Submitted by tiff_25, Aired on 02/21/2005

oke

Kevin: Boy, a lot has changed in twenty years.
Ray: Yeah.
Kevin: Is Naughton still around?
Ray: Frankie?
Kevin: No, Jimmy.
Ray: Jimmy's dead. And Frankie died at the funeral. They're both dead.
Kevin: What about Bobby? How's he?
Ray: He's dead, too. A lot of 'em are dead.
Kevin: What was the other Naughton kid's name? Tommy? Is he dead?
Ray: No, Tommy's not dead.
Kevin: Thank God for that.
Ray: He's dying.
Kevin: Jeez! The mother must be heartbroken.
Ray: The mother was killed in a boiler explosion. Blown to pieces.
Kevin: Jeez. I'll never forget that house the Naughtons lived in. Kind of a cute little place with green shutters.
Ray: Hit by lightning fifteen years agon. Burned to the ground. All the pets were killed.
Kevin: Jeez. That's too bad. I remember the Naughtons always liked that house because it was so close to the church.
Ray: Our Lady of Perpetual Suffering?
Kevin: Yeah.
Ray: The church is gone. Condemned by the city last year and demolished on Good Friday.
Kevin: So where do the neighborhood kids go to school?
Ray: Most of the neighborhood kids were killed a few years ago by a rapist who worked at the grocery store.
Kevin: Dorian's?
Ray: No, Babington's.
Kevin: I like Dorian's. They always had good produce.
Ray: Dorian's collapsed ten years ago and killed nineteen customers. The entire Halloran family was decaiptated at the butcher counter while they were pickin' out meat.
Kevin: Jeez. Times really change.
Ray: Well, life goes on.

comment George Carlin

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/20/2005

oke

A guy just off his honeymoon, goes into a bar. As he sits there, his freind walks in and asked him how his honeymoon went. "Alright I suppose. Did a lot of fishing." was his reply. The friend pipes up, "Well didn't ya get laid?" "nah, she had ghonorrea man, and a, you know how I like to fish." The friend says, "Well didnt you get a BJ or anything?" "Nah, she had pyorrea man, and a, you know how I like to fish." " Well why didnt you just role her over?" Nah, she had diarrhea man, and a, you know how I like to fish." The friend stopped and thought for a moment and then asked, " well what the hell did you marry her for?" without a beat the guy replies, "Well, she's got worms, and a, you know how I like to fish."

comment What's grosser than gross?

submit Submitted by LaKira76, Aired on 02/19/2005

oke

There were too **** many of them. In the end they won by their sheer numbers, even if we did have superior tactics. They breed like fruit flies, you see. Constantly. When they weren't wearing down our defenses they were *******. The noise was unbearable and before it was done several of us had committed suicide just to get away.
For me, the worst day was when Davidson was taken. The sick *******s somehow managed to pull him off of the wall and into their writhing throng. When we thought they were done, they just left him about ten feet away from our perimeter. We thought he was dead; hell, he _looked_ half eaten. Just after dawn we first heard the moaning. They stopped just before they killed him and left him.
I knew it wasn't kosher, but no one would listen to me. Two men, I forget their names if I ever knew them, slunk out to drag Davidson back. As soon as they reached him they were overwhelmed. Out of nowhere, what must have been hundreds of them swarmed out and with barely a chance to scream, the misguided fools disappeared from view.
It was just before noon when Davidson's pain filled moans turned wet. He had begun rolling around, leaving pieces of himself behind with each swing and there wasn't a **** thing that could be done for him. We did everything we could to drown out the sounds of agony, but it just couldn't be helped.
I think it was the worst just as the eggs burst. The sickening sounds which followed will haunt me forever, but at least we knew that Davidson's suffering would be over after one, final, torturous violation. After that I don't know which stank more, Davidson's corpse baking in the sun or the vomit pooling in our bunker.
Some time afterward we looked out and saw the other two had been left for us.

comment Man that is funny.

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 02/18/2005

oke

Two cannibals were dining on a clown. One cannibal turned to the other and said: "Does this taste funny to you?"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/17/2005

oke

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/16/2005

oke

I am going to kill my server!!!

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/15/2005

oke

Two times two is not four. It is nine. Actually, everthing is nine except seventeen. Seventeen is actually six.

- George Carlin

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/14/2005

oke

The sky is not blue. It merely looks that way because blue is the name we have given that color.

- George Carlin

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/13/2005

oke

Unbelievably, a goldfish can kill a gorilla. However, it does require a substantial element of surprise.

- George Carlin

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/12/2005

oke

A cheetah is actually slower than an armadillo. It only appears to be faster, because the armadillo moves so slowly.

- George Carlin

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/11/2005

oke

Men and Women
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never
figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I
am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
What every boyfriend/husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not
in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your
physical needs as a man."

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The
very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We
went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a
big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment
her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the
jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave
short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked
for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I
threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing
sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, Let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
"WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while..
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why
can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either.

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 02/10/2005

oke

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed."

- George Carlin

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/09/2005

oke

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

comment ya

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 02/07/2005

oke

Embarassing Sexual Moments Part 1 :
It was sophomore year and my friend Ian had a rather impressive porn collection for someone so young. One night his mom and sister are out (single parent home) and he decides it would be a good time to "treat" himself to a good time. Apparently that meant getting bare ass naked and spreading every dirty magazine he had (and that is a lot, the stack was 3 feet high) around him opened to his favorite picture with him in the middle. About that time his mom came home and went up to his room to let Ian know she had brought dinner home. And there he was...naked surrounded by an obscene amount of porn with a bottle of Jergens next to him. All she could get out was "oh, sorry" and she ran down the stairs. We had skip first period because we were laughing so hard when he told us this the next morning before school. Eight years later and we still give him **** about that.

comment from
http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=2588&p=3

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 02/06/2005

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