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quotes:

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Jack Nicholson

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Billy Crystal

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

Steve Martin

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

George Burns

I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl that would get really pissed if she heard me say that.

Mitch Hedburg

You cannot outthink someone who isn't thinking.

Albert Einstein

In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.

Homer Simpson

It's better to be pissed off, then pissed on!

Annonymous

He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was the one making me do it!

Family Guy

Even a fish could stay out of trouble if it kept it's mouth shut!

Annonymous

A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body!

Annonymous

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

Rodney Dangerfield

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

Hunter S. Thompson

Is it possible to see something so funny, that it ruins your sense of humor forever?

Eric Cartman

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Will Rogers

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

Albert Einstein

I just thought of something funny...your mother.

Cheech Marin

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Peter O'Toole.

Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?

H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Charlie Chaplin

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.

Mel Brooks

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Joe E Lewis

I can resist everything except temptation.

Oscar Wilde

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

Pablo Picasso

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Dennis Ritchie

Drinking for an entertainer is like stretching for an athlete.

Mitch Hedberg

There are no good ways to die.

Chick McGee

If you die, and you're in debt, you win.

Ben Creed

If you can't spot the sucker at your table in the first thirty minutes, you are the sucker.

Matt Damon, Rounders

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Colette

You can go along way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.

Al Capone

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Mel Brooks

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Dave Edison

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.

Steve Martin

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Jim Carrey

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

George Carlin

If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!

Jimmy Buffet

If you dedicate yourself to learning about your subject for 15 minutes a day, in a year's time you'll be an expert. In five years, you'll be a national expert. The only hard part is choosing your subject.

Albert Einstein

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January 14, 2025

of the day history

There are 591 Jokes and counting ... Enjoy!

Page: [1][2][3][4][5][6][7][8][9][10][11][12][13][14][15][16][17][18][19][20]

oke

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/04/2005

oke

An old Indian chief sat in his hogan on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him."Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances .You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."The Chief nodded in agreement.The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled ..... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/03/2005

oke

"My God! What happened to you?" the bartender asks Sean as he hobbles in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley," he replies.
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the bartender says. "He must have had a weapon in his hand."
"That he did. A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
"Aye, that I did-Mrs. Riley's left breast," Sean laments. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."Gregory M. Santos

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/02/2005

oke

busload of politicians was driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and apsked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, they were ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/01/2005

oke

This definition of "compiler" must rank as the best of all possible wrong answers. Written by a student in an introductory Computer Science course:

"A compiler's primary function is to compile, organize the compilation, and go right back to compiling. It compiles basically only those things that require to be compiled, ignoring things that should not be compiled. The main way a compiler compiles, is to compile the things to be compiled until the compilation is complete."

comment wow, I've come a long way.

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 01/31/2005

oke

During her annual checkup, a well-built lady was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"That's all right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You get undressed and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, "Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with my clothes?"
"Your clothes?" answered the doctor. "Put them over here, on top of mine!"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/30/2005

oke

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/29/2005

oke

You've heard, "as long as I've got a face, you've got a place to sit." Well I have a new one. "As long as I have an arse, you have a place to lick."

comment I think thay may be the best pickup line I've ever come up with.

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 01/28/2005

oke

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the shopping center and ran to the toy shop and he asked the manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied,"Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95, Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95, and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" the dad asked.
"Well, it's because Divorced Barbie' comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture," replied the shop manager.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/27/2005

oke

Kryten: "Jake Bullet. Cybernautic Detective. I like that. That sounds like the kind of hard living flatfoot who gets the job done by cutting corners and bucking authority. And if those pen pushers up at City Hall don't like it well they can park their overpaid fat asses on this mid-digit and swivel. Swivel 'til they scream like pigs on a honeymoon!"

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 01/26/2005

oke

Simple Math
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and
read's:

Dear Wife (that's what he called her) I am 54 and by the time you receive
this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year
old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him) I too am 54 and by the time you
receive this letter I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my handsome and
virile 18 year old boy toy. You being an accountant will therefore
appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into
18!!!!

submit Submitted by Lakira76, Aired on 01/25/2005

oke

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/24/2005

oke

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John, " his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/23/2005

oke

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey

comment Wow.

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 01/22/2005

oke

Useful Work Phrases:

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. Ahhh, I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

12. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

13. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

14. No, my powers can only be used for good.

15. How about never? Is never good for you?

16. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

17. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

18. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

19. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

20. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

21. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

22. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

23. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

24. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

25. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

26. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

27. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/21/2005

oke

Dan returned home late and found a naked man in his wife's bedroom
closet.
"Hey, what are you doing in there?"
"I'm riding a bus."
"That's a stupid thing to say!"
"That's a stupid thing to ask!"

comment cleva girl.

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 01/20/2005

oke

Neat Fact:

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

comment My whistle is blowin, but I see no beer. Bloody puff!

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 01/19/2005

oke

Neat Fact:

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

comment I'll mind that.

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 01/18/2005

oke

Neat Fact:

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month .. which we know today as the honeymoon.

comment I want my beer.

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 01/17/2005

oke

Neat Fact:

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

comment Nice.

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 01/16/2005

oke

Neat Fact:

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received
in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

comment Huh.

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 01/15/2005

oke

Neat Fact:

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

comment Whoa.

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 01/14/2005

oke

Neat Fact:

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

comment Neat.

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 01/13/2005

oke

Neat Facts :

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen only...Ladies Forbidden" and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

comment Neat!

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 01/12/2005

oke

Neat Facts :

In the 1400s a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"

comment Neat

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 01/11/2005

oke

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMEN

COMPLIMENT HER,
RESPECT HER,
HONOUR HER,
CUDDLE HER,
KISS HER,
CARESS HER,
LOVE HER,
STROKE HER,
TEASE HER,
COMFORT HER,
PROTECT HER,
HUG HER,
HOLD HER,
SPEND MONEY ON HER,
WINE AND DINE HER,
BUY THINGS FOR HER,
LISTEN TO HER,
CARE FOR HER,
STAND BY HER,
SUPPORT HER,
HOLD HER,
GO TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH FOR HER,

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

SHOW UP NAKED,
BRING FOOD & DRINK

submit Submitted by joseph, Aired on 01/10/2005

oke

Trivia about The League Of Gentlemen [1999]:

The title of the show in Korea is "Psycho Village".

Tubbs and Edward were based on a real incident which occurred when the cast visited a small shop. The woman behind the counter acted scared, like they were about to rob her.

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 01/09/2005

oke

A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marines and eventually rose to the rank of General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide. The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The young officer answered, "why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears."
The General got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out. The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears."
The General threw her out also. The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined. The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contact lenses." The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears.
"And how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General asked.
The sharp- witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no **** ears."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/07/2005

oke

Q- What do you call a mentally disturbed horse with a broken leg?
A- Crazy glue

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/06/2005

oke

Old news : Posted December 17, 2001

Outrageous funny man Tom Green has filed for divorce from his actress wife Drew Barrymore after five months of marriage.

Green cited the ubiquitous "irreconcilable differences" as the reason for the split. (Ironically, Drew starred in Irreconcilable Differences when she was twelve.) Barrymore's first marriage, to bar owner Jeremy Thomas, ended after just 19 days.

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 01/05/2005

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