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quotes:

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Jack Nicholson

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Billy Crystal

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

Steve Martin

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

George Burns

I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl that would get really pissed if she heard me say that.

Mitch Hedburg

You cannot outthink someone who isn't thinking.

Albert Einstein

In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.

Homer Simpson

It's better to be pissed off, then pissed on!

Annonymous

He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was the one making me do it!

Family Guy

Even a fish could stay out of trouble if it kept it's mouth shut!

Annonymous

A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body!

Annonymous

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

Rodney Dangerfield

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

Hunter S. Thompson

Is it possible to see something so funny, that it ruins your sense of humor forever?

Eric Cartman

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Will Rogers

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

Albert Einstein

I just thought of something funny...your mother.

Cheech Marin

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Peter O'Toole.

Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?

H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Charlie Chaplin

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.

Mel Brooks

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Joe E Lewis

I can resist everything except temptation.

Oscar Wilde

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

Pablo Picasso

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Dennis Ritchie

Drinking for an entertainer is like stretching for an athlete.

Mitch Hedberg

There are no good ways to die.

Chick McGee

If you die, and you're in debt, you win.

Ben Creed

If you can't spot the sucker at your table in the first thirty minutes, you are the sucker.

Matt Damon, Rounders

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Colette

You can go along way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.

Al Capone

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Mel Brooks

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Dave Edison

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.

Steve Martin

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Jim Carrey

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

George Carlin

If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!

Jimmy Buffet

If you dedicate yourself to learning about your subject for 15 minutes a day, in a year's time you'll be an expert. In five years, you'll be a national expert. The only hard part is choosing your subject.

Albert Einstein

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April 26, 2025

of the day history

There are 591 Jokes and counting ... Enjoy!

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oke

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party; a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

submit Submitted by Lakira76, Aired on 10/26/2004

oke

I was at work - working, which is unusual. Anyway - a group of us were talking about a problem and the number zero comes up for some reason. James says, "J$'s number is zero" - sssssss - he burned me. I quickly retort - "in the world of programming - that makes me #1!" And all my fellow programmers laughed at his Ass! BOOYA!!

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 10/25/2004

oke

The three wise men went to visit Jesus right after he was born. One wise man was extremely tall. He hit his head on the top of the door frame and said, "Jesus Christ!" Joseph looked at Mary and said "Write that down -- that's better than Clyde!"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/24/2004

oke

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
He whispered , "I'M LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."
The old lady figured--WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.
She bought the frog and put him in the car.
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY."
So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young
handsome prince.
THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK.........AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO? SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND.

submit Submitted by Lakira76, Aired on 10/23/2004

oke

"The face of a child can say it all. Especially the mouth part of the face." -Jack Handy

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 10/22/2004

oke

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

comment Ha, Cuz their such nerds...get it J? Dad?

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/21/2004

oke

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

A: The old drunk, of course; the other three don't exist.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/20/2004

oke

How many Microsoft technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they would just declare darkness the new standard TM

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/19/2004

oke

Yo' mama so fat, her doctor said she had a flesh-eating disease and told her she had 13 years to live!

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/18/2004

oke

A small Arkansas Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Ted Standen, a redneck part-time worker, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Ted, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The administrator thought they might have a solution. Ted was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Ted showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ted announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions:
"First," Ted said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition. "Second," Ted said, "you must never tell anyone about this" The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition. "Third," Ted said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed. And last of all Ted stated "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/17/2004

oke

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

- Rodney Dangerfield

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/16/2004

oke

KLAMATH FALLS, Ore. -Tuesday, October 12, 2004- A hunting dog stepped on a loaded shotgun, firing a blast into the arm of a Klamath Falls man, authorities said.

Matthew Harper, 27, was taken to a Klamath Falls hospital on Sunday and then transferred to Oregon Health & Science University in Portland, where he was in critical condition, the (Klamath Falls) Herald and News reported Monday.

Harper, the son of state Sen. Steve Harper, R-Klamath Falls, was duck hunting with a friend, Steven Smith of Klamath Falls, in the Ball Bay area of Upper Klamath Lake on Sunday.

Harper was pulling their boat to shore when Smith's dog triggered the shotgun. Harper was struck in the upper left arm, the Klamath County sheriff's office said.

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 10/15/2004

oke

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

- Rodney Dangerfield

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/14/2004

oke

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

- Rodney Dangerfield

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/13/2004

oke

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

-Rodney Dangerfield

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/12/2004

oke

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

- Rodney Dangerfield

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/11/2004

oke

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

- Rodney Dangerfield

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/09/2004

oke

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

- Rodney Dangerfield

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/08/2004

oke

Funny Pick up line- Do you cheat on your boyfriend? (reply is no) Mind holding still while I do?

comment I actually had someone use this one on me!

submit Submitted by Lakira76, Aired on 10/07/2004

oke

Nine Comments to Take Back

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the 2004 Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the r owing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/06/2004

oke

Joe sets up his pal Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Michael is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'AAAUUUGGGHHH!' and fake an asthma attack."
So that night, Mike knocks on the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts: "AAAUUUGGGHHH!"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/05/2004

oke

Q. Why are women similar to a tropical hurricane?
A. When they arrive, they are wet and warm. When they leave, they take your house and car.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/04/2004

oke

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO
One hand on wheel, middle finger out window: NEW YORK
One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON
One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: OHIO, but driving in CALIFORNIA
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY
One hand on 12oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while
stuck in traffic: SEATTLE
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag and
beer can out of the window: TEXAS
Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: OKLAHOMA
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA
One hand on the wheel, the other on his sister: WEST VIRGINIA

submit Submitted by tiff_25, Aired on 10/03/2004

oke

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/02/2004

oke

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/01/2004

oke

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot sh*t, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/30/2004

oke

What's Osama Bin Laden going to be for Halloween?

Dead.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/29/2004

oke

A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The parrot would always ruin his act by saying things like, “He has a card up his sleeve” or “He has a dove in his pocket.”

One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat. For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other. Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, “Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?”

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/28/2004

oke

A filthy rich man in Florida decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who is brave enough to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief! Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million doll ars. "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then? "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options? Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?" Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/27/2004

oke

I really hate my job.

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 09/26/2004

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