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quotes:

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Jack Nicholson

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Billy Crystal

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

Steve Martin

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

George Burns

I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl that would get really pissed if she heard me say that.

Mitch Hedburg

You cannot outthink someone who isn't thinking.

Albert Einstein

In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.

Homer Simpson

It's better to be pissed off, then pissed on!

Annonymous

He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was the one making me do it!

Family Guy

Even a fish could stay out of trouble if it kept it's mouth shut!

Annonymous

A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body!

Annonymous

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

Rodney Dangerfield

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

Hunter S. Thompson

Is it possible to see something so funny, that it ruins your sense of humor forever?

Eric Cartman

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Will Rogers

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

Albert Einstein

I just thought of something funny...your mother.

Cheech Marin

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Peter O'Toole.

Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?

H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Charlie Chaplin

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.

Mel Brooks

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Joe E Lewis

I can resist everything except temptation.

Oscar Wilde

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

Pablo Picasso

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Dennis Ritchie

Drinking for an entertainer is like stretching for an athlete.

Mitch Hedberg

There are no good ways to die.

Chick McGee

If you die, and you're in debt, you win.

Ben Creed

If you can't spot the sucker at your table in the first thirty minutes, you are the sucker.

Matt Damon, Rounders

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Colette

You can go along way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.

Al Capone

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Mel Brooks

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Dave Edison

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.

Steve Martin

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Jim Carrey

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

George Carlin

If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!

Jimmy Buffet

If you dedicate yourself to learning about your subject for 15 minutes a day, in a year's time you'll be an expert. In five years, you'll be a national expert. The only hard part is choosing your subject.

Albert Einstein

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April 02, 2025

of the day history

There are 591 Jokes and counting ... Enjoy!

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oke

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved.

"Jake," she said.

"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted.

"Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must
confess."

"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right."

"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."

Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it", he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/01/2005

oke

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/31/2005

oke

Chip told me a good saying yesterday. "Snitches get stitches."

comment HAHAHAHAHA

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 08/30/2005

oke

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices... Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there as was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but, then, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

submit Submitted by chettyboy7, Aired on 08/29/2005

oke

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/28/2005

oke

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire." And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!" The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/27/2005

oke

Three dudes kill each other at the same time, but right before they do they ask themselves this one question: Why do I read pointless jokes?

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 08/26/2005

oke

"When I was in Reno I saw they have five religious channels on cable. When they were talking about sins I thought they were reading a list of things to do in town."

- Karen Rontowski

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/25/2005

oke

"When I was in Reno i saw they have five religious channels on cable. When they talking about sins I though they were reading a list of things to do in town."

- Karen Rontowski

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/25/2005

oke

"If it means lower gas prices, I don't care if we drill into the skull of a polar bear. And I'm as liberal as they come."

- Auggie Smith

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/24/2005

oke

Three blondes were driving down the highway trying to get to Disneyland. They saw a sign that read "DisneyLand Left."

So they went home.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/23/2005

oke

Two eggs are in a frying pan and one says "Man it’s hot in here."

The other one says "Holy sh*t a talking egg!"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/22/2005

oke

"The runaway bride took a bus cross country. I think she's suffered enough."

- Costaki Economopolous

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/21/2005

oke

"I had a woman tell me that I wasn't ugly, I was unattractive. Boy, did she know how to make me fell better."
- Ross Bennett

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/20/2005

oke

Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment!

Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute!

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/19/2005

oke

This area intentionally left blank. Well, not completely blank, since the above non-empty disclaimer appears on the page. What is meant is that this area is devoid of meaningful content related to the rest of the document. This area serves only as a separator between sections, chapters, or other divisions of the document. The area is not completely blank so that you know that nothing was unintentionally left out, or because of an error in duplication, or even because of some other production problem. If this area was really blank, you wouldn’t be reading anything. Therefore, this area has not been left blank by accident, but is left non-blank on purpose. The statement in the area should say: "This page was intentionally left non-blank."

comment Well, that clears that up!

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/18/2005

oke

1000 men were asked to complete a survey of what they liked best about a oral sex...

.3% liked the warmth.
4% enjoyed the sensation.
93% appreciated the silence.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/17/2005

oke

Two guys are looking a dog lick its balls and one says "Man, I wish I could do that."

The other guy says, "Really? I think I’d just pet him first."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/16/2005

oke

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/15/2005

oke

"You wonder why other countries hate us? In America we have a gameshow called Survivor! It's a gameshow where we try to survive in places where people already live. The people there are like, 'hey can I have some of that bread'? And we're all 'NOOOOO! I'm starving! We don't have our cell phones out here, this is really tough!'."

- Daniel Tosh

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/14/2005

oke

"Money can't buy you happiness! They really should add just kidding to the end of that saying!"

- Daniel Tosh

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/13/2005

oke

"I just wanna be rich enough that they release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. They'll be like...'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? It was beaaaauuuuutiful!'"

- Daniel Tosh

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/12/2005

oke

"Have you ever watched a movie, then gotten into a fight with your wife about it afterward, then almost got a divorce? Me neither."

- Chick McGee

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/11/2005

oke

"You show me a group of white people I can't make laugh, and I'll show you Canadians."

- Tim Wilson

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/10/2005

oke

A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says not bad. Golfpro: "Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!" Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. Golf pro: "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. Golf pro: "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/09/2005

oke

A man is walking down the beach one day when he comes across a lamp laying in the sand. Picking it up he brushes the sand off of it and a genie comes out. The genie looks the man over before telling him. "I am the genie of this lamp and i will grant you three wishes but be warned for every wish you make your mother-in-law will get double." The man thinks a moment then nods. "Ok genie for my first wish i want a billion dollars." The genie gives the man a curious glance. "Remember your mother-in-law will get double." The man nods. "I understand now for my second wish i want a nice sports car that will never need to be gassed or have any fluids changed, and it will never get a dent or have any problems at all." The genie nods. "You do realize your mother-in-law will get double sir?" The man nods again. "Yes i do." The genie sighs. "Ok sir, you wish is granted, Now what would you like for your third wish?" The man smiles and looks the genie in the eye and says. "I wish to be beaten half to death."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/08/2005

oke

"Wearing a hat implies that you are bald if you are a man and that your hair is dirty if you are a woman."

comment P.J. O'Rourke

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/07/2005

oke

A Doctor was addressing a large audience:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/06/2005

oke

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout lady of the evening catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the lady of the evening, "How much?"

Lady of the evening replies, "It starts at $500 for manual manipulation."

Guy says, "$500 dollars! For manual manipulation! No manual manipulation is worth that kind of money!"

The lady of the evening says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the lady of the evening, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give manual manipulation that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the best manual manipulation of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose oral manipulation is $1,000?"

The lady of the evening replies, "$1,500."

$1,500? No oral manipulation could be worth that".

The lady of the evening replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.

Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give oral manipulation that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific manual manipulation, says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.

He can't believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.

He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the lady of the evening, "How much for conventional coupling?"

The lady of the evening says, "Come over here to the window.

Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the lady of the evening replies, "but I would if I were a female."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/05/2005

oke

Two friends, a blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again...for no reason."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The brunette says, "Oh sure... but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, ....."Don't you have a vase?"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/04/2005

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