Baby Gangster

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My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Jack Nicholson
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
George Burns
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl that would get really pissed if she heard me say that.
Mitch Hedburg
You cannot outthink someone who isn't thinking.
Albert Einstein
In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.
Homer Simpson
It's better to be pissed off, then pissed on!
He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was the one making me do it!
Family Guy
Even a fish could stay out of trouble if it kept it's mouth shut!
A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body!
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
Rodney Dangerfield
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson
Is it possible to see something so funny, that it ruins your sense of humor forever?
Eric Cartman
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
Albert Einstein
I just thought of something funny...your mother.
Cheech Marin
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Peter O'Toole.
Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?
H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927
All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
Charlie Chaplin
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
Mel Brooks
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Joe E Lewis
I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
Pablo Picasso
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
Dennis Ritchie
Drinking for an entertainer is like stretching for an athlete.
Mitch Hedberg
There are no good ways to die.
Chick McGee
If you die, and you're in debt, you win.
Ben Creed
If you can't spot the sucker at your table in the first thirty minutes, you are the sucker.
Matt Damon, Rounders
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
You can go along way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Al Capone
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
Steve Martin
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Jim Carrey
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlin
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!
Jimmy Buffet
If you dedicate yourself to learning about your subject for 15 minutes a day, in a year's time you'll be an expert. In five years, you'll be a national expert. The only hard part is choosing your subject.
Albert Einstein
Paint it Black Let There Be White ö Sign In / Register
June 23, 2024

of the day history

There are 591 Jokes and counting ... Enjoy!

Page: [1][2][3][4][5][6][7][8][9][10][11][12][13][14][15][16][17][18][19][20]


Knock Knock!

Who's There?, that's who!

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/08/2006



A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking.

He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. "Mom look, I'm a white boy." His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father."

He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother."

The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says, "Mira, abuelita, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.

His mother says, "See, did you learn anything from that?"

The boy replies, "I sure did. I have only been white for five minutes, and already I don't like you Mexic ans!"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/31/2006



Q: What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?

A: Telling your parents you're gay.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/22/2006



A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, - "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex. "The wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed,but husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a Sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." The husband, after some badgering from his wife, final! ly gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes. . . something hiswife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants,ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold ofthe Jamaican's hips. TheJamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET MAN! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/12/2006



Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!" " and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/11/2006



This is truly a heart warming story about the bond formed between a little
girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the
goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She
hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them
gems-in-the-rough, more or less ... adopted her as a
kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and
lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her
feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a
pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate
words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar she had
received to the bank the next day to start a
savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such
a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a
construction crew building a house."

"My goodness gracious," said the
teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied ... "I will if those useless bastards at Home Depot
ever bring us the fucking drywall."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/07/2006



Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays, hidden inside chocolates, as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 am. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

submitSubmitted by Lakira76, Aired on 05/05/2006



University scientists have released the results of a recent analysis that reveals the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. It turns out that the "hops" in beer contain certain phyto-estrogens, and scientists believe that be drinking enough beer, men may turn into women. In the study, 100 male volunteers were asked to drink 8 pints of beer in one hour. The results were observed and recorded. At the end of one hour, every single subject had developed female characteristics and the test was terminated. The data is provided below:
After one hour, 100% of the test subjects:
1. gained weight.
2. talked excessively without making sense.
3. became overly emotional.
4. couldn't drive.
5. failed to think rationally.
6. argued over nothing.
7. had to sit down while urinating.
8. refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
After these eight symptoms, no further testing was necessary.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/04/2006



One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"


submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/03/2006



"My grandmother died last year. She finally lost a long battle with... a bear."
- Eric Hunter

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/02/2006



A guy walks into the New Orleans welfare office for his check, marches
straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of
the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her
on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above
the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah,
well, you started it!

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 04/27/2006



I’ve checked this on … it must be true!

I don't how many of you shop at Costco, but this may be useful to know.
I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This
happened to me and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as
are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask
you for a ride to another Costco. You agree and they get in the back
seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of
them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while
the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday,
again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow.

submitSubmitted by J$, Aired on 04/03/2006



Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't

prepared for the worst answer.

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs.

You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you
never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.
Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too.

He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem.

He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice
is one of the worst in the entire state.

Not to mention he cheated on his wife with

three different women, one of them was your wife.

Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very
quiet voice, said,

"If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in
jail for contempt."

submitSubmitted by chettyboy7, Aired on 03/08/2006



After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in Tennessee we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/06/2006



Q. You know the worst part about eating vegetables?

A. Putting 'em back in their wheelchairs!

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 03/02/2006



A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, his wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this."

The man steps up and watches as she puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She then puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.

"So," she says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what have you learned from this experiment?"

"Plenty!" he says, which brightens her considerably.

"Really, darling?" she says, almost melting.

"You bet," he responds. "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/28/2006



My wife left me... And I don't understand.

After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut
back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer.

I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she
came home from grocery shopping, the receipt included
$45 for makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't
given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.

submitSubmitted by chettyboy7, Aired on 02/27/2006




According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick
and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.


There are teachers, and then there are Educators.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/24/2006



The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York
where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions
the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a
floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go
back down
except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These
have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love
and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men
jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 -
These men
have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the
and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and
sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that
women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A new wives store opened across the street, the same rules

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

commentAny questions??

submitSubmitted by chettyboy7, Aired on 02/23/2006



A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, "I
want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up. Damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him
of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen
to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir,
what seems to be the problem here?

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in
the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in the damn bank."

"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/22/2006



There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada.
"You know," said one of the explorers, "we should name this place we're hiking through."
"I know," said the second explorer. "We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that."
"Okay," said the third, "I'll go first. C, eh."
"N, eh."
"D, eh." And that's how they named Canada...

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/16/2006



Joe and Rhoda had a small apartment in the city, and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed...

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike and Hey! The Coopers are having sex!"

Joe and Rhodaa shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too!"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/15/2006



On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine pilot, and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."
" Well, what was it?" she asked.
He was not much in the mood for this, but, he sighed and responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.' "
She giggled and said, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and replied, "Mission accomplished!"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/14/2006



A cowboy in Texas got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.

The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well, yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."

So the cowboy says, "Well, Circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called Circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The cowboy says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

submitSubmitted by chettyboy7, Aired on 02/13/2006



Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the royal chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, he shooed Horatio the Physician away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. So the King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

Moral of the story: Always pay your bills.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/10/2006



A woman went to a pet shop & immediately

Spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,

"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of

And sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided

She had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up

In her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,

But then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school

The bird saw and said,

"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended

But then began to laugh about the situation

Considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith

Came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi, Keith!"

submitSubmitted by chettyboy7, Aired on 02/09/2006



During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
" Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
" Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
" No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/08/2006



While out walking one day, a young boy met a redneck riding along with a dog and sheep and began a conversation. "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?" asked the boy.
"Stupid kid," said the redneck. "Dogs don‚t talk."
The little boy ignored the redneck and talked to the dog anyway. "Hey dog, how‚s it going?"
"Doin‚ all right," replied the dog to the redneck‚s amazement.
"Is this guy your owner?" asked the boy.
"Yep," replied the dog.
"How does he treat you?" asked the boy.
"Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." With that, the boy asked if he could talk to the redneck‚s horse.
"Stupid kid, horses don‚t talk," replied the redneck. The little boy ignored the redneck and talked to the horse, anyway. "Hey horse, how‚s it going?"
"Cool," replied the horse.
"Is this your owner?" asked the boy pointing to the redneck.
"How‚s he treat you?" asked the boy.
"Pretty good, thanks for asking," replied the horse. "He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me." At this point, the redneck was totally amazed that the boy could talk to his dog and horse.
"Mind if I talk to your sheep?" asked the boy.
"The sheep's a liar," answered the redneck.

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/07/2006



After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father.
So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/06/2006



Unanswered Questions

1.Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)

3.OK..... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and theTampaBay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4.If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?!

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

24. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells

submitSubmitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 02/04/2006


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