My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl that would get really pissed if she heard me say that.
You cannot outthink someone who isn't thinking.
In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.
It's better to be pissed off, then pissed on!
He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was the one making me do it!
Even a fish could stay out of trouble if it kept it's mouth shut!
A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body!
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson
Is it possible to see something so funny, that it ruins your sense of humor forever?
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
I just thought of something funny...your mother.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?
H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927
All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Joe E Lewis
I can resist everything except temptation.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
Drinking for an entertainer is like stretching for an athlete.
There are no good ways to die.
If you die, and you're in debt, you win.
If you can't spot the sucker at your table in the first thirty minutes, you are the sucker.
Matt Damon, Rounders
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
You can go along way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!
If you dedicate yourself to learning about your subject for 15 minutes a day, in a year's time you'll be an expert. In five years, you'll be a national expert. The only hard part is choosing your subject.
I ordered this and received it in the mail yesterday and let me warn you now from personal experience
a) Do not try this if you are already circumsized and
b) Do not try this if you are not an infant. mommy.